Short-Cut to Happiness: Comparison on YOUR values
Research has shown that all happiness depends on relative superiority versus those around you, who you compare yourself against. This means that striving for more “fill in the blank” won’t make you happier if those around you increase by the same or even more.
This is quite an annoying matter and will be very familiar to all the rat racers out there: However much you work to obtain the things you believe make you happy, you won’t be happy unless you have “more/better” of it than your neighbour, your colleague etc. This is particularly true for all material things (money, car size, house size, holiday type) and status (job title or position) which most of us (still) spend more than 80% of our daily efforts on. Note, that only 10% of our total happiness depend on circumstances like our financial situation (see “10 Choices for Lasting Happiness” for more info on this).
There is a saying in the US: “A happy man is one who earns $100 more than his wife’s sister’s husband.” What about that feels true to you ?
So if our make-up forces us to always compare, and yet, there can only be one at the top, can we ever win in this tiring endeavour ? Can we ever relax ?
YES, you can !
Here is your clear-cut 3-step solution:
1. Realize that ignoring the relativity of happiness and continuing like before is like being a hamster in a wheel – you will get no-where. And many people feel exactly that, they worked hard, tried so many things and somehow, nothing gives them that lasting feeling of well-being they are working for. Yet, ever so often when things don’t work, we just try to do more of the same, try harder. Yet, as Einstein once put it “Doing the same things and expecting different results is a form of insanity”. So stop now, start thinking and then commit to do something different, anything – just something different. The next 2 steps will help you define what.
2. Become conscious of what really matters to you and then use THAT as the criteria to compare yourself with others. Why do you use money and status as comparisons ? Really, why ? You never chose it, did you ? Most people believe these are the measures they SHOULD be striving for. But who told you this ? Your parents ? Your teacher ? The media ? Random others who might be savvy on money matters but were equally clueless about what made them happy ? It’s not too late. Money is never an end in itself. Even if you like money, ask yourself what about it it is that you like: the freedom, the independence, the recognition ? These latter three are values ! Think about it now by either asking yourself some powerful questions, choosing from a list of values, or evaluating your character strengths.
a) Powerful Questions: Here are a few powerful questions which can help you figure out your values, the things that truly matter to you. What has made you happy in the past and what about that was key ? What sort of things would you do if you only had a few months to live and what about that is important you to ? If you were 90 years old looking back at your life, what sort of life would you have liked to live and what would you like people to say about you ? Dig deeper. What about that matters to you ?
b) Alternatively, you could find a list of values on the internet and choose the o one’s that most ring true to you.
c) Finally, you take Seligman’s Free VIA Survey of Character Strengths and Happiness.
3. Wisely choose the people you would like to compare yourself with on the criteria you selected in step 2. Why compare yourself on a criteria that isn’t really important to you ? That wouldn’t be smart. Equally, why compare yourself to people you don’t even respect or like (like a certain colleague or neighbour) ? Who DO you respect and like ? Who would be the right people to compare yourself to (while the others really don’t matter – wish them well pursuing whatever matters to them and let them do whatever they want). Once you have defined the right people go ahead and compare yourself to them BUT ONLY on the criteria that matter to you. If someone else values neatness and has their garden in top state every day and this doesn’t really matter to you, then don’t feel you have to keep up. Focus your effort on those things that matter to YOU.
Because your list of values will be unique to you, your chance of coming out on top and therefore feeling happy is damned good !
Go & Try It ! NOW.
Your Perfect Summer Holiday in the Bavarian Alps
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August 8th, 2011 at 6:42 am
Dornsife says. So, Orlando, home of Disney World and Universal Studios and Sea World, benefits from a steady stream of tourists—and revenue from speeding tickets.
September 21st, 2011 at 10:01 am
I LOVED this piece Silke – it is thoughtful, deep & honest. GREAT foo for thought. Tricia x
January 6th, 2012 at 10:46 am
Good!Thank you for your article, I learn a lot of valuable things,this is a great help to me.