10 Choices for Lasting Happiness – Part 2

In my previous article about Happiness (click here to see Part 1) we discussed the research and Choices 1-4 for lasting happiness. Now, we will be looking at choices 5-10. Enjoy !

CHOICE #5: Don’t compare yourself to others people – set your own goals and standards.

Do you know the saying “A happy man is one who earns $100 more than his wife’s sister’s husband.” From childhood we have learned to measure our success by comparing ourselves to what others achieve. As a result, we never reach the point where we can finally relax. Remember the rat racer doesn’t enjoy the journey but hopes for happiness at the end, once he has achieved, accomplished …. With a whole society of rat racers, there is no time to ever relax or else “you fall behind”.
Your emotions are negatively impacted, too. When comparing yourself to others, you may feel resentment, jealousy, anger and unfairness. This is called relative deprivation and happens even to millionaires.

The solution is to consciously choose a different measurement system. Authentic happiness comes from setting yourself higher goals or standards, not from comparing yourself with others. Most people live as if there was some kind of finish line and panel of judges at the end of our lives, counting the awards, titles, wealth amassed and awarding us prizes for it. Sadly, most people only realize too late, that there is no such thing. When you come to the finish line of your life, nobody cares what you have accumulated in money, titles or awards. You are your own judge !

So the only way to enjoy your life is to become clear NOW what sort of life you would like to have had and who you would like to be remembered as. Then live and judge yourselves according to your own unique plan.
A happy life is one created by you, a unique creation that cannot be copied from someone else’s recipe.

CHOICE #6: Step off the hedonic treadmill. Money (and stuff) can’t buy us happiness.

“Wealth is like health, its absence breeds misery, but having it doesn’t guarantee happiness. Everyone needs to cover basic needs. But once you attain that, happiness varies for everyone” as Maslow told us.

Research is proving that beyond covering basic needs like food and shelter, more wealth does not lead to more happiness. In fact some research (like the British one quoted in the introduction) has even shown a negative correlation. With wealth in Western countries having risen to its highest ever levels and happiness sunken to its lowest ever. Stress, depression and anxiety are increasing in the countries with the highest wealth levels.

The reason stuff (like cars, clothes, jewelry etc) and money does not make us happy in the long run is partly explained by hedonic adaptation. This means that we are very quick at taking our new position for granted, and then judging it as normal. As a result we don’t even notice the change anymore. Do you remember the last salary increase you got ? How long did it take for you to take it for granted and wanting something else ?

This doesn’t mean we should avoid money and material goods or that we can only have either wealth or happiness. It does, however, mean that we need to recognize happiness as the ultimate “currency” and start working on finding meaning and purpose in what we do. The value we gain in doing what we love will create money, and often even wealth, as a by-product.

CHOICE # 7: Keep learning and growing through action and allow yourself to fail !

Every child is born curious with an insatiable need for growth and learning. This is part of our nature as human beings. As young children we put into practice everything we learn, test it, fail and try again. In fact, we learn through action, through trying and playing.

As older children and adults we become concerned about failing, which stops us from trying and keeps us in the status quo. As we stay in our comfort zone over long periods of time, we begin to be bored with our life and start feeling stuck.

To become happy, we need to grow and there is no growth without action. Movement and growth are inseparable. It’s when you move out of your comfort zone that you grow. But what if you can’t decide between all the possible actions ? Toss a coin. It does not matter which action you take, you will learn from any action. To make this clear: ANY action is better then no action. But how do we get ourselves to act when we are so afraid of failure ?

To describe something as “failure” involves a judgement call. And a judgement requires a judge. Whose judgement are you accepting ? Who is your judge ? Often people find that they accept the judgement of their neighbours, their parents, their bosses without being conscious about it. Once they become conscious, they choose their own judge: the people they really care about or their own heart….

Let yourself be inspired by Alva Edison, the inventor. Edison had more than 900 failed experiments to invent the light bulb and upon being asked how he coped with so many failures he answered “Failure ? What failure ? I have learned 900 ways of how not to invent the light bulb”. It is all a matter of perspective (see choice #1). But something else is critical here: Edison focused on the learning in every “failure”. Every failure is just feedback about what works and doesn’t. It is a fantastic resource for deciding how to try differently next time. Choose to look at all your experiences (good or bad) as opportunities to learn something about yourself or the world around you and notice how much more you will enjoy your life.

CHOICE #8: Forgive

To create lasting happiness in your life, you need to let go of negative emotions about people. Holding on to negative emotions such as anger, envy or hurt creates more unhappiness for the holder of the emotions. Letting go of these emotions free us to move on with life. Again, easier said than done.

The first step is to realize that there is no value for yourself in holding on to your hurt. It is not moving you forwards but holding you back. The next step is to decide to let go of the matter. If you can’t simply let go choose to see the situation from the other person’s perspective to understand it better. Understanding helps forgiveness.

To do that, imagine you have a meeting with the person and silently tell him/her everything you need to say. Reproach, get angry, insult – whatever you feel needs to be said. Then pause. Take the other persons position – physically move to the spot you just talked to. Stand or sit like the other person would and really feel into him/her. Then have this person explain why he did what he did. Then go back to your own spot and receive the message. Play this role play a few times, then notice how your feelings to the subject have changed. You are now ready to forgive and pave your way to happiness.

CHOICE #9: Foster friendship and connections – help others

Researchers who studied people’s level of interest in and attention to strangers found that people who were sad spent 35 percent more time focusing on strangers who looked unhappy than on strangers who looked happy. So surround yourself with 5 happiest people you know. Send them an invitation today ! Happiness is contagious 

Ed Diener and Martin Seligman, two of the leading positive psychologists, studied “very happy people” and found that one of the key differences between happy and unhappy people was the presence of “rich and satisfying social relationships”.

Spending time with people we care about and who care about us provides meaning, safety and comfort. We want to be loved for who we really are, for our authentic self. Often people complain that they can’t find the people who love them unconditionally and truly care about them and that everybody is so self-absorbed. Don’t wait to be loved. Love. Choose to be different and start showing others how you care about them by doing something nice for them today. Expect nothing in return. Just keep doing it. You will see how the benefits will come back to you and you will have plenty of people who care for you.

CHOICE #10: Take responsibility for everything that happens to you.

It is so easy to blame outside factors or others for things that are not going well. It doesn’t make us happy though. Blaming takes our power away. By blaming others we are giving ourselves the “victim” status and get stuck because we are waiting for the other person to change or act. Being a victim and being stuck is not a position that makes us happy.

To claim your power, take responsibility for everything that happens. If people who work for you make mistakes, think about how you could have helped prevent that mistake. If your partner doesn’t come home in time, think about what you could do to make him/her want to come home earlier tomorrow. If your children are stressing you out, think about what you could do to make family life more fun. Be pro-active ! Take responsibility. It is much more fun than being stuck.

And don’t confuse taking responsibility with blaming yourself for everything. They are two different things: one lifts you up the other deflates you. So check in with your feelings. Taking responsibility makes you feel great !

Finally, I want to mention the more commonly known factors for more happiness: exercise moderately and regularly and ensure that you get between 6-8 hours of sleep. But the most powerful tip of them all: CHOOSE to be happy – now you know how to do it. And if you don’t, remember that that’s your choice, too !

The rat race is no fun

You have probably heard about the rat race. The rat racer believes in the “no pain, no gain” motto and doesn’t enjoy what he is doing at the moment. He is driven by the need to achieve and gain titles, promotions and success. When the pressure increases he tells himself that he will begin to have fun once this next project or task is completed. When the achievement is done, he sacrifices himself again, just one more time, but there never seems to be and end to “one more time”. While others see the rat racer as a success piling up achievements, he himself is unhappy. Rat racers are unable to enjoy what they are doing and persistently believe that once they reach a certain destination they will be happy. Why ? Because they grow up that way. Most parents and society as a whole reward results, not processes, they reward achievements, not journeys !
The rat racer doesn’t enjoy the journey but hopes for happiness at the end, once he has achieved, accomplished …. With a whole society of rat racers, there is no time to ever relax or else “you fall behind”. The result of staying in the rat race is exhaustion, burn-out, depression.

This is a great time to STOP and reflect upon an few questions:

- Where is your life like the rat racer’s ?
- Where are you racing to ?
- What is the impact of the rat race on who you are ?
- What do you want from your life right now ? And who is stopping you ?

Often, we are so busy racing, that we do not even have the time to stop and think ! Yet, the truth is that we gain time by stopping our busyness, by taking a look at the bigger picture of our lives, by finding out what really matters and then focusing and prioritizing on those few big things.

Why are you hurrying ?
What would happen if you didn’t ? Come on, really, what is at stake if you slowed things down ? Might you have more fun ?

Here is a touching song a friend of mine sent me:

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why

Don’t know why I have to drive so fast
My car has nothing to prove
It’s not new
But it’ll do zero to sixty in five point two

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why

Can’t be late, I leave in plenty of time
Shakin’ hands with the clock
I can’t stop
I’m on a roll and I’m ready to rock

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why

Oh, I hear a voice
That says I’m running behind
Better pick up my pace
It’s a race and there ain’t no room for someone in second place

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why

Why Coaching Works

From time to time, we get impulses for change. It might be because we get inspired. We might see someone else with what we want. A new possibility might occur to you. A flash of insight? A friend or colleague challenges you. Most often it’s because something has gotten worse than we’re willing to tolerate, and we say: “I’ve had enough!”

Whatever the reason, this impulse for change comes along at certain intervals in our life. However, we all know the impulse rarely lasts. Last week I had an impulse to exercise… (again). However, it’s not particularly consistent, and doesn’t always come at times when it’s convenient for me to exercise.
You may have thought: “You know – my relationship really could be better. Surely this isn’t as good as it gets?” And the next day the impulse is gone. Or “What would it take to double my profits? I’m really going to make some changes in this business when I get less busy”. A few days later your focus is on something else.

Or… are you the kind of person who takes on new projects with gusto, to find out that a few weeks or months later it feels old hat, and you follow a familiar pattern of switching to something else?

So, IMPULSES FOR CHANGE DO NOT USUALLY LAST. This is why we human beings do not make many of the changes that are possible in our lives.

Without Coaching – without a STRUCTURE – our natural tendency is to keep our patterns. Go to work. Make money. Keep the same relationships. Keep the same barriers. Want the same things to change. – but don’t change them. Feel an impulse for change – lose the impulse for change. Staying the same is the natural outcome. But Do We Need to Change?

No. But wouldn’t it be wise? These impulses for change are the signals telling you what is next for you in life. They are your intuition letting you know that you are missing opportunities. They are messages (sometimes subtle) about what you would ~really~ like to do in your life, what your business needs, the perfect job, who you should be with right now.

If I may get a little deep for just a moment – they are not only the signals that will help us achieve the goals we are striving for, but the signals that are telling us how to evolve as people. If we ignore these impulses, we’ll feel restless at a very deep level – knowing something is wrong, but not sure what. Not understanding this restlessness, we must seek ways of quieting it – TV, movies, alchohol, smoking, over-reading etc.

OK – I’m getting a little off track but I think you get my point. It’s important that these impulses do not get left by the way side. You want the secret to achieving your goals and having an amazing life? FIND A WAY TO HARNESS THESE IMPULSES

The Coaching Structure

At it’s simplest, coaching may be described as a structure. Coaching harnesses the energy for change; those impulses that last from a moment to a few weeks. If you feel an impulse to exercise more, you may exercise somewhat – until the next impulse. But if you join a gym for a year and hire a personal trainer, you will be fit! In fact it would be very hard to avoid it, having set up this structure.

Coaching is a similar structure, for any goal that’s important to you. You make a commitment to your goals, and to working for a certain time frame with a coach. This is often 3 months or 6 months, usually with one or more review points to assess progress. Normally, once a week by phone, you have a conversation with your coach, and you commit to specific actions to move you forward. Within a coaching structure, your natural tendency is to pursue your goals and achieve them. It’s hard, in fact very hard to keep your limiting patterns and your life the same when you focus so much consistent attention on what you really want, and make promises to a third party.

With a coach, the person who feels an impulse to change careers isn’t still thinking about it in three months time. He’s hired a coach, he’s found a new career possibility which inspires him, he’s got a new resume and ten interviews lined up.

With a coach, the woman who wants to organize her business so that she has time for herself isn’t still complaining about it in six months time. She’s hired a coach, created an empowering time allocation, set her boundaries, hired an assistant, looks obviously happier and is therefore attracting more clients.

So here’s the key:

Without a coach, the path of least resistance is to keep your life the same. Impulses for change often do not last long enough to act upon.

With a coach, the path of least resistance is to achieve your goals! Impulses for change are converted to momentum.

Summary

So would coaching be a smart investment for you right now? Are you the kind of person who could benefit?

You decide. I say it’s for people who recognize that coaching is a powerful structure for harnessing your energy for change, and to help you move forward. If you’re content for the next five years to be similar to the last five years, then you don’t need any input or help from anyone. However, aren’t you curious to know what your life could be like in five years time if you harnessed your impulses for change, carried them through, and had fun while doing it?

David Wood, Copyright 2002-2004 SolutionBox

An Invitation to You…

If something in the above article appealed to you, then I invite you to contact us to take this to the next level. E-mail: coaching@developandgrow.com for a free sample session.

The Power of Committment – Take the Jump !

Have you ever noticed that once you fully committed yourself to something, things just fell into place ? Why is it then, that we have such trouble committing ourselves to what we really want and instead stay where we are not so happy ? Of course, because of fear, the fear of the unknown. So many of us feel more comfortable in the unhappiness of the known than in the uncertainty of the unknown better alternative. So what would happen if you dared, tried it out ?
Surely, you would want a safety net, a back-up plan … in case the new plans did not work out. In a “new business” seminar in London, the course leader quoted that the highest success rate for new businesses was among founders who had burned their bridges, had no way to turn back to their previous life or occupation…. Interesting ?

Well, William H. Murray, a Scottish mountaineer, wrote in the Scottish Himalayan Expedition about the benefits of burning one’s bridges:

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back; always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would not otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man would have dreamed would come his way.

And even Goethe agrees:

Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it ! Boldness has genius, magic and power in it.

When are you jumping ?

10 Choices for Lasting Happiness – Part 1

You might be surprised to read the word “Choice” in the title and no, it is not a mistake. You actually have a choice and in how happy you want to be ! According to some studies about happiness, our level of happiness is composed of three different elements:

• 50 % depends on genetics (inherited affective traits, temperament)
• 10% depends on circumstance (occupation, age, health, income, marital status etc)
• 40% depends on intentional activities (cognitive, behavioural or volitional activities we choose to do)

We obviously can’t change our genetics but we have control over both the circumstances as well as our intentional activities. Surprisingly, most people spent most of their efforts on changing circumstances to increase their happiness. They try to earn more money, find the right partner, move to new places or jobs. And while these changes can have am impact on short-term happiness, they often don’t last long and never feel enough. How many people do you know who are still truly happy months after they changed their circumstances ? In fact, studies on lottery winners have proven, that happiness levels return to previous levels as fast as 3 months after the win, some studies even show a negative long-term effect.

The 40 % of contribution which intentional activities make have so far been neglected. Yet, it is in this area where we are in control and free to choose. It is here where we need to spend our energy. Paul Jenner, author of “Teach Yourself Happiness” says “You have to decide to be happy” and he continues “Most Westerners think happiness is something that arrives by itself, like rain. But it isn’t. Barring seriously depressed people, most Westerners have plenty to be happy about, but they choose to focus on things they haven’t got. It really is that simple.”

Well, sounds simple, but isn’t. It requires commitment and work and sometimes un-learning of some good old habits (and who said that that was easy ?). You can really compare it with training a muscle you have so far neglected. It will feel hard at the beginning but you can count on the muscle getting stronger and stronger. So the question really boils down to how much effort are you willing to spend on becoming happy or how badly to you want happiness ? This article shares with you the top 10 choices you can make to create lasting happiness in your life. These are the ingredients for happiness, only you can bake the cake.

Choice # 1. Create a buffer between event/circumstance and your reaction to it.
Most people believe that our happiness depends on what happens to us or around us and feel powerless in the face of it. While we can influence some events and circumstances by being pro-active, there are others which are simply out of our control. Do we need to be victims to those ? While we can expect life to continue to throw events at us which we have no control over (good and bad), we do not need to be victims. Different to common opinion, it is not the event or circumstance that determines our feelings, it is our attitude, perspective and interpretation of it that determines our feelings. And we are free to choose how we see (perspective) or interpret an event. Let me tell you a short story:

An old man lived with his one son in a village when he inherited a large fortune from a distant relative and bought himself the most beautiful horse. The villagers all said “You are so lucky !” to which he answered “Maybe”. Shortly after the man’s only son took a ride and fell off the horse breaking his leg, now unable to help in the household. The villagers said “You are so unlucky !” and the man replied “Maybe”. Two days later, a war broke out and all young men had to go to war except the old man’s son and the villager enviously said “You are so lucky !” to which the man replied “Maybe”…..

You can choose how to judge an event that is out of your control depending on the context you see it in. Psychologists and life coaches use this concept frequently and call it Re-framing. To come up with a powerful re-frame ask “What is good about this (bad thing) ?” or “In which way is this an advantage ?” Happy people are experts at re-frames!

And while we might not always be able to prevent negative feelings towards an event, we can lower the degree of outside influences. The way to do that is to decide NOT to react immediately, instead to pause and detach yourself for a while, then look at the situation from a larger perspective, find a re-frame, identify your options and choose consciously how you respond.

Choice #2. Be clear about your dream or contribution to your environment, then set achievable goals and get moving towards it.
Very few people can articulate what they really want from their life or what they dream about for themselves. They are driven and pushed by those around them, their circumstances such as their jobs, their boss, their mother-in-law to name just a few. Others have big dreams but are waiting for the opportunity to make them happen, they are putting their dreams off until….(fill in the blank)… the house is paid off, the kids are in college, they find the career or a partner they love, their current misery ends, the venture capitalists discover their genius, their boss finally understands how brilliant they are…etc etc. People are living their lives while holding their breath. How can you be happy without breathing ?

Knowing what really matters to you, what you truly love doing and what difference you want to make to your personal environment (“your dream”) has proven to be highly fulfilling. Realizing your values by moving working on your dream engages you on a meaningful level. People are seldom happier than when they are in “flow” says psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. This is a state in which your mind becomes thoroughly absorbed in a meaningful task that challenges your abilities. It is an activity that completely absorbs you, where you feel most yourself and time seems to stand still. Sounds like happiness to you ?

Harvard research has shown that happiness comes from “knowing what you really want and knowing that you are moving towards it”.

The key is to spend time to discover one’s purpose or dream and then break it down into achievable milestones which will become your goals, then start acting. Time is the only limited resource in the world. You cannot make time and worse still, you have no idea of how much you have left. So invest your time wisely. Start understanding your values and what makes you tick then take courageous action at making it happen. So many people get bored with their lives. Choose to make yours exciting. You only have one shot at it !

Choice #3.Think about happiness as a process
We believe happiness comes from achieving results. But time and time again we notice that after achieving results there is a feeling of emptiness and a rush to move to the next achievement. We do not even allow us time to celebrate properly. While we achieve lots we hardly notice it, enjoy little and ultimately burn out.
Happiness is not so much a result as it is a process ! It stems from enjoying what you do when you do it, which links into the previous point on spending time on what it is you love doing.
To start enjoying the process of whatever you do, consciously use your senses to notice what is going on around you: focus on seeing the faces around you, hearing the voices around you, notice the smells and the textures your hands are feeling. Detach yourself from the result, after all you can use choice # 1 to handle and re-frame any outcome. It is a bonus if you reach the result you set out to reach, but it matters less than the activity itself.

Choice #4. Be grateful for what you have rather than what you don’t have and what you do well rather than what you (still) can’t do.
When did you last say “thank you” for all the many things you have and said “well done” for all the many strengths and skills you acquired in the last years ? If you are like most people, it was probably a long time ago. Instead we focus on what we don’t have yet and where we still need to improve. As a result our self-esteem and confidence gets a knock and we start to believe that we are “not good enough”. I assure you feeling “not good enough” is not a happy feeling. But the good news is: Focusing on what we don’t have and where we are not good enough is nothing but a habit ! And like with any (bad) habit, we can change it. It takes about 3 weeks of consistent practice to change any habit. Ready to start ?

Choose to change your focus onto the things you are already grateful for and the capabilities, skills and traits you are already strong in. Make a list of things and traits you are grateful for today ! Let your thoughts wonder from yourself, the people around you, your environment, your job/career, your finances, your personal growth to your leisure. You feel better instantly. And if you are like most people, you will be surprised how many things you come up with. Don’t stop writing until you have filled an entire page. Then looking over it, how do you feel ?

Liz Hogard says “People divide into two categories: the maximizers and the satisfiers. The maximizer insists on looking at all the alternatives when out shopping before deciding what to buy. The satisfier, on the other hand, says: That’s good enough, that’ll do me. The maximizer is doomed to misery in the modern world, because there is so much choice.” Can you see how the maximizer always focuses on what he/she might still be missing, rather than being grateful for what he/she already has ?
So many people focus on the 20% they have not done, the extra they are not capable off without seeing the beautiful 80% they already hold in their hands.

Finally, pay attention to you language, do you point out to others (e.g. like your children) where they are not yet good enough, or where there already doing well ? For a whole week, just pay attention. And most importantly, how do you talk to yourself. I mean that voice in our heads that we all have. Don’t accept it pointing out what you don’t have in things, skills or character. Tell yourself what you already have and are already grateful for. It is just a change in what you put your attention on and the impact on your happiness will be astonishing !

Choices 5-10 to follow in “10 Choices for Lasting Happiness – Part 2″ !

Who are you really ? A poem

I just came across this inspiring poem about what really matters in a person.

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living,
I want to know what you ache for
And if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are,
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
For your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow,
If you have been opened by life’s betrayals,
Or if you have become shriveled and closed for fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
Without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with JOY, mine or your own,
If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you
To the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful,
Be realistic or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you disappoint another to be true to yourself,
If you can bear the accusation and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty
Even when its’ not pretty every day
And if you can source your life from it’s presence.
I want to know if you live with failure, yours or mine,
And still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon “YES.”

It doesn’t interest me me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair,
Weary and bruised to the bone
And do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you are or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me
And not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
And if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder May 1994

How to lower the impact of negative emotions

Anger, guilt, envy, jealousy are just some of those emotions often referred to as destructive emotions. They are definitely not pleasant emotions and most people are trying to avoid them (“I certainly don’t know anyone who is striving to have them”). Some authors like Daniel Goldman classify them as destructive and define them as “being harmful to oneself or others”.

I am not going to talk about the ways in which they are harmful as you probably already know from your own experience. Instead, I would like to share with you two simple yet powerful ways to deal with these emotions in a constructive manner. I thought you might like to try them, too. They are derived from my work in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) and my practical work as a coach.

The first way I deal with my own negative emotions is to simply see them as a SIGNAL that an important value of mine has been crushed, stepped on or been ignored. What do I mean ? We all have a unique set combination of values, the very principles in our lives that matter most to us. Examples of values are freedom, achievement, connection with people, respect or unique expressions such as “cherry”, “outside” (these last one’s might not make any sense to you but are totally clear and make every sense in the world to the person holding it) etc etc. Everyone has a uniquely different set. It is how well we live these values in our daily lives that determines our happiness !
So when a strong negative emotion comes up, it is usually because one of your values has been crushed or you fear that it is about to be crushed. If you are aware of this, you are empowered to take a look at which one it might be. By this very process you move from being a victim to your emotions (out of control) to being back in control. Once you have identified the value that is attacked, you will be able to understand your feelings and you take a new perspective on the matter that caused it. You might even find a new way to honour your value again.

Another way of dealing with negative emotions is using “association” and “dissociation” tools from NLP. Here is how it works. Whenever you think about a situation as if you are right in it, seeing the event through your own eyes you are “associated”. By seeing the event through your own eyes, hearing it through your own ears, you feel the FULL extent of all emotions present. Association amplifies any emotion you may have – positive and negative. When you remember a positive event in your life, always remember it as if you are right in it, see the events through your own eyes and you will re-gain the positive feelings associated to it. However, if a situation causes you to feel a negative emotion, you can diminish its impact on you by dissociating from that situation, lowering the impact of the negative feelings. Dissociating from a situation means you remember the situation as if you were not in it but instead an observer or a witness, seeing your own body in the situation (as if you sit in a movie theatre seeing your the situation with yourself in it right in front of you). This will make the impact of the emotions much less intense and allows you to take a calm decision about how to move on. Try it out ! It works.

How to worry and be (un)happy

Do you worry a lot ? Do you lose sleep over things that might (not) happen tomorrow ? Does your brain constantly focus on what could go wrong and then worry about it, not giving you a rest ? You will be happy to know that you are not alone. In fact, worrying is more common than you might think. So let me prove to you that it is totally pointless to worry about tomorrow’s problems today.

Worries are the anti-thesis to happiness. They distract you from enjoying life and the NOW – the only time to experience happiness. Here is why ALL worries are wasted:

40% of worries are about events that will never happen
30% of worries are about events that have already happened
22% of worries are about trivial events
4% of worries are about events we cannot change
4% of worries are about real events on which we can act
(and these are also wasted because we can control them)

Next time you find yourself despairing, ask yourself these questions:
1. Have I got enough air to breathe ?
2. Have I got enough food for today ?
3. Am I going to survive ?
If the answer is YES, things are already looking up !

So often, we magnify things out of proportion. The worst thing that could happen is probably very inconvenient, but not the end of the world.

Have a look at the story of the man who phoned Dr. Robert Schuller. Here is the how the conversation went:

The man said, “It’s over. I’m finished. All my money has gone. I’ve lost everything.”
Dr. Schuller asked, “Can you still see ?”
The man replied, “Yes, I can still see.”
Dr. Schuller asked, “Can you still walk ?”
The man replied, “Yes, I can still walk.”
Schuller said, “Obviously you can still hear of you wouldn’t have phoned me.”
“Yes, I can still hear.”
“Well,” Schuller said, “I figure you have got about everything left. All you have lost is your money !”

To overcome the worry trap you need to trust that you are meant to learn things. Rather than shying away from things, take more risks. You might learn something.
Start by being grateful for what you have.
Seek growth, not perfection

You don’t have to own it to enjoy it !

Isn’t this a liberating statement ? One of my top values is freedom and I just love the freedom this statement creates for me. Let me explain.

For many people it is desirable and for some it is even exciting to work hard in order to buy (and own) a bigger house, a bigger car, a bigger (fill in the blank). Owning the land, the house, the car etc etc. provides a sense of achievement and the peace of mind, that nobody can take this away again. In fact, I have many coaching clients you are striving to own their own dream house so that they can relax, be safe, have peace of mind.

They are accepting to work hard and to sacrifice their current life for the future dream life. Some never reach the dream life, or they reach it so late, they don’t have time to enjoy it anymore. You already know all this. But here is something more.
Have you ever realized that owning the big estate and all the other things that go with it, are actually restricting your freedom ? The more you own, the more trapped you get: trapped in responsibility to maintain it, to protect it, preserve it and hold the status quo. You start worrying about losing it all again. So after all the hard work, you get the prize and more worries and responsibilities come as a bonus.

Do you remember those days in university or the first days at your first job when you owned little, had a small room or apartment and few things to worry about ? Do you remember the freedom you felt ? Life was comparatively simple, you enjoyed it and you had peace of mind.

Lately, I have been both longing for the simplicity those days had as well as living in my dream location (don’t we always want it all !) and suddenly I had this insight:

You don’t have to own it to enjoy it !

I realized that there are many more ways of enjoying what I want without necessarily owning it. I can enjoy a beautiful holiday spot without necessarily owning a place there, I can enjoy a beautiful painting without needing to own it etc.

My personal dream is to live in a cosy, spacious, airy and light-flooded house in the midst of green countryside. So far, I thought I would have to be able to afford the house and enough land around it to create my dream. With this new insight a whole new set of possibilities emerged. Why not live in “someone else’s garden”, i.e. have a house in the countryside with little land owned by me and lot of common land around for me to use ? Or why not live in a park and find a way to be of value to the park owner ? Of course all of these options come with their specific compromises attached but the point is, I would not even have considered them. The possibility of reaching my dream in other ways gets me excited, feeling alive.
The advantage of this new set of ideas is that I would get the benefit of enjoying the views and surroundings without being responsible for them. I can contribute to them as much as I want rather than having to. I would be freer to do whatever I want to do with my time. And finally, the less you own, the easier it is to move on if I felt like it – another form of freedom.

What can you enjoy without needing to own it ?

How slowing down makes you faster

Sounds like an oxymoron ? It’s not. If you are anything like me, you want things to move forwards – whether at work or at home, with the kids, the partner, the holidays etc. You have or come across a new idea for making things better, more exciting, more fun (or less stressed, less restrictive, less busy etc) and you want to make them happen, move them forwards and so you embark on making them happen. You become busy doing what it takes. Inevitably, there will be obstacles which slow you down, things you did not foresee and so your progress is not as fast and linear as you might have expected or hoped for.

Lots of us at this stage tend to work harder, put in a little bit extra, it may speed things up. With the next roadblock and challenge coming along we might even get frustrated with progress being such hard work and taking so much longer than expected. Slightly irritated we keep pushing on. At this stage we are working totally IN the “project” and we continue to resort to work harder and faster, especially when faced with unexpected obstacles that hold us up. It is exhausting, we are carried along by the momentum, much like being caught in a wave at the seaside.

We could really do with a break now, but we don’t allow ourselves the rest because we are already behind schedule (whose schedule ?) and slowing down now, would just make us feel worse and delay the completion of whatever it is we are doing.

Well, would it ?

Astonishingly, the opposite seems to be true. Slowing down actually makes you faster. But how ? you may ask yourself.

By regularly taking time to work OUT of the “project” and thinking and reflecting about the progress achieved to date, the challenges at hand and not only the goal but the purpose of the specific goal. By slowing down and looking in, we often see new possibilities, new solutions and sometimes new directions leading to changed goals. It is like taking a metaview, floating above the day-to-day work and respective issues and looking at the whole project, if not our whole life. Amazing insights emerge from this perspective, many of which can save lots of time and dare I say energy.

You might realize that circumstances have changed and the specific goal you had set for yourself is no longer worth achieving. Instead of noticing this at the end of all your hard work, you could modify your goal early on. You might realize that there are more resources in unrelated areas that you would not have utilized, being too busy pushing the current project/s forward. You may realize, what was meant to be a new and exciting fun idea/project has stopped being fun altogether. Slowing down and reflecting will allow one to explore new ways of injecting more enjoyment into work, creating effectiveness without having to labor harder or faster.

Allow yourself to slow down and reflect regularly trusting that it will pay off and get you to what really matters. Life is too short, for one to be ineffective.

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