How to lower the impact of negative emotions
Anger, guilt, envy, jealousy are just some of those emotions often referred to as destructive emotions. They are definitely not pleasant emotions and most people are trying to avoid them (“I certainly don’t know anyone who is striving to have them”). Some authors like Daniel Goldman classify them as destructive and define them as “being harmful to oneself or others”.
I am not going to talk about the ways in which they are harmful as you probably already know from your own experience. Instead, I would like to share with you two simple yet powerful ways to deal with these emotions in a constructive manner. I thought you might like to try them, too. They are derived from my work in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) and my practical work as a coach.
The first way I deal with my own negative emotions is to simply see them as a SIGNAL that an important value of mine has been crushed, stepped on or been ignored. What do I mean ? We all have a unique set combination of values, the very principles in our lives that matter most to us. Examples of values are freedom, achievement, connection with people, respect or unique expressions such as “cherry”, “outside” (these last one’s might not make any sense to you but are totally clear and make every sense in the world to the person holding it) etc etc. Everyone has a uniquely different set. It is how well we live these values in our daily lives that determines our happiness !
So when a strong negative emotion comes up, it is usually because one of your values has been crushed or you fear that it is about to be crushed. If you are aware of this, you are empowered to take a look at which one it might be. By this very process you move from being a victim to your emotions (out of control) to being back in control. Once you have identified the value that is attacked, you will be able to understand your feelings and you take a new perspective on the matter that caused it. You might even find a new way to honour your value again.
Another way of dealing with negative emotions is using “association” and “dissociation” tools from NLP. Here is how it works. Whenever you think about a situation as if you are right in it, seeing the event through your own eyes you are “associated”. By seeing the event through your own eyes, hearing it through your own ears, you feel the FULL extent of all emotions present. Association amplifies any emotion you may have – positive and negative. When you remember a positive event in your life, always remember it as if you are right in it, see the events through your own eyes and you will re-gain the positive feelings associated to it. However, if a situation causes you to feel a negative emotion, you can diminish its impact on you by dissociating from that situation, lowering the impact of the negative feelings. Dissociating from a situation means you remember the situation as if you were not in it but instead an observer or a witness, seeing your own body in the situation (as if you sit in a movie theatre seeing your the situation with yourself in it right in front of you). This will make the impact of the emotions much less intense and allows you to take a calm decision about how to move on. Try it out ! It works.
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