This country is Bhutan, a landlocked country in South Asia, located at the eastern end of the Himalaya Mountains and bordering on India and Tibet.

A british study done by researchers at the university of Leicester in 2006 has mapped the world for happiness (the World Map of Happiness) and came to the conclusion that Bhutan is the happiest nation in Asia (and 8th happiest in the world).

The term Gross National Happiness (GNH) was coined in 1972 by the former King of Bhutan who wanted to help Bhutan enter the age of modernization by focusing more on positive contributions to well-being rather than the traditional concept of economic growth with its known cost on the environment and the increasing loss of meaning for the individual.

Grounded in Buddhist ideals, the GNH concept suggests that development of human society takes place when material and spiritual development occur side by side to complement and reinforce each other, providing meaning and growth for people.

The four pillars of GNH are the promotion of sustainable development, preservation and promotion of cultural values/integrity, conservation of the natural environment and establishment of good governance.

Maybe there is something we can learn from Bhutan ! According to a BBC survey 81% of Britain’s population would rather the government make them happier than richer.

What do we do with the riches anyway if they don’t make us happy, right ? There are plenty of studies by now which show that beyond covering the basics (a shelter, clothes to cover our body and enough food to survive) more money does not make us happier. So why do we – and more importantly our governments – still strive to become wealthier in monetary terms, using GDP as a measurement of our progress ?

Harvard Professor Tal Ben Shahar coined the phrase: “Happiness is the new currency”.  Indeed, isn’t happiness the ultimate currency ? Isn’t the really wealthy person the one who has the most happiness regardless of whether his is rich or poor in our modern definitions ?

Why don’t we bypass the money part and jump straight to our end end goal: greater well-being for all of us.

There are now validated measurement systems to measure this seemingly elusive concept of happiness, so we no longer need to worry about not being able to quantify our progress.

I would love to hear your thoughts !

People talk about dream holidays and travel companies offer all types of dream holidays. All types ?

If you ask 50 different people about what their dream holiday would be like, you need to be ready for 50 different answers. Indeed, everyone is different and so are our unspoken expectations of a dream holiday.

What we know about a dream holiday is that it is a holiday where everything is just great or even perfect – but only for YOU. What a dream holiday is to one, can be a nightmare to another or totally uninspiring at best.

In order to find or create a true dream holiday for yourself, you need to know yourself. Specifically, you need to be aware of what matters most to you on a holiday. It’s not about planning the execution, it’s about finding your personal strategy.

You could try two different techniques:

Ask yourself “If I could have ANY (absolutely any) holiday I wanted,  what would I choose ?” Now either paint a perfect picture in your mind imaging every detail of the perfect holiday for you; alternatively write down bullet points of things that are truly important on a dream holiday for you. It doesn’t matter whether your list or picture is very concrete e.g. a lonely jungle hut in the rain forest or more general e.g. calmness, no time pressure, no timetable, nature, hot, sunshine, etc.

Once you have a clear picture or a list of at least 20 points ask yourself

“What about this picture / each of the 20 points is important to me ?” Try to figure out what about each part of your picture or list it is that matters so much to you. Which new insights can you gather ?

Which other ways (other than your picture/20 points) can you see that would le you have what matters to you so much ?

Now ask: “What would it be like if I got it (the picture/ the 20 points) ?” “What would that give me ?”

Finally ask yourself on a scale from 0-10 how much of a dream holiday your picture or list would be (0= my nightmare holiday, 10 = my total dream holiday)

If you score a 8-10, you have the perfect blueprint or 20 criteria for choosing or creating a holiday which will truly become a dream experience for you. If you score any less than that, ask yourself “What’s missing  ?” and then add that to your picture or list.

Rather than getting seduced by other people’s definitions of dream holidays (including the travel agents) you can now create or look out for one that fits your needs and dreams exactly. A holiday created in this way is garantueed to make you feel fabulous.

The eight sections in the Wheel of Happiness represent different aspects of your life. Seeing the center of the wheel as 0 and the outer edges as 10, rank your level of currently felt satisfaction and happiness with each life area by drawing a straight or curved line to create a new outer edge. The new perimeter represents the wheel of your overall happiness at the moment. If this were a real wheel, how bumpy or rough is the ride for you right now ? Which area of your life most impacts your overall happiness ? Which areas of your life need attention ?

WHAT IS TRUST AND WHY DOES IT MATTER  ?

There are two types of trust: external, i.e. expecting a positive outcome or internal, i.e. expecting to be able to turn everything into an opportunity or something positive. Essentially the first type is trust in others/the world and the second one is trust in yourself.

Both types of trust result from YOUR CHOICE – subconsciously or consciously. Once you realize you can’t control everything (and trust me you can’t), you only have two choices: trust or distrust.

If you have been lucky enough to have had parents or role models that created a safe environment for you you probably trust naturally and the whole idea hasn’t emerged to your consciousness much. If, however, you weren’t quite so lucky you probably naturally distrust. In that case becoming more trusting will be an ACTIVE effort that will pay rich dividends to you while being a gift to those around you.

Research has shown that trusting people are happier, better liked by others, more honest and more moralistic do-gooders. If you feel trust you can let go of some of your need to control. You can let things happen and “go with the flow”. It’s a peaceful stress-free way of life.

Trust creates a feeling of safety for those around you. Think about it. If you feel that those around trust you, you feel safe in trying out new things and excelling at whatever you do. Mistakes become opportunities to learn. If you feel there’s distrust, you play small, you are afraid to make mistakes and focus your energy on avoiding them rather than learning from them.

WHAT IS YOUR DEFAULT POSITION ?

Everyone trusts some and not others. I am talking about your general disposition here. Even a trusting person who has been hurt or disappointed stops trusting a certain person but he/she doesn’t stop trusting the rest of the world. A distrusting person generally distrusts everyone and continues to do so even after one person has managed to earn his/her trust. Are you generally someone who trusts until proven wrong or someone who distrusts until proven wrong ?

WHAT IF I CAN’T TRUST ?

Well, that means you live a life driven by fear. You constantly expect others to have negative intentions and exploit you. You expect life to disappoint you and you look for proof for it of which you find abundant occurrence (you’d find equal proof of the opposite but you’re not focusing on that so you don’t see it).

Using the word “can’t trust” is misleading yourself. It suggests that you are not in control of “doing the trusting thing” and that someone or something else is in the way of you being a more trusting person. Who or what would that be ? Of course there is nothing or no one else ! You are not in control of others’ behaviours and the world’s events but you are in control of whether you trust or not.

Face the reality. If you really wanted to be more trusting you could. The issue is not that you can’t but that you don’t want to because you are afraid of being hurt or disappointed That’s being honest. Now have a look at the chart below and you will understand that the risk of being hurt occasionally is still well worth the effort of being trusting.

WHY TRUST IS THE ONLY WAY !

.. .. .. OTHER PERSON		ME
		I trust	I don’t trust
	Good Person	I was RIGHT Rewarding deep Experience	I was WRONG Missed Opportunity
	Bad Person	I was WRONG Unexpected Disappointment/Hurt	I was RIGHT Expected disappointment/hurt or No relationship at all

Only when you trust do you have a chance of a positive enriching experience/relationship ! Not trusting garantuees that you will have no rewarding relationship because you either miss the good ones or at best correctly predict the bad ones which you then – understandably – dismiss. Net, if you want meaningful relationships you must trust.

Do you see how you can dare to try being trusting because the alternative is so undesirable,  such a certain  loss ?

You know already that trust is a conscious choice. It’s something you can choose to believe “ I believe that the world and the people in it are inherently good “.

HOW TO HANDLE DISAPPOINTMENT WHEN I DO TRUST ?

Now you have understood that the only chance to develop meaningful relationships (both with people and general events) is by trusting. That of course entails a risk of being disappointment every now and then. Here are a few stragies to keep the hurt and disappointment small.

1. First of all, know that trust breeds good behaviour (like a self fulfilling prophecy) and that trusting people therefore experience fewer disappointments then non trusting people because

a. We feel honoured when someone simply trusts us or gives us the benefit of the doubt. In return we behave better in order to live up to that image (signs of trust are openness, sharing of intimate, personal or sensitive information, somebody makes himself vulnerable, somebody tells us they trust us).

b. We feel a bigger barrier to distrustful behaviour or to being dishonest when we know someone actively trusts us. It’s as if betraying someone who actively put their trust into us is a more serious betrayal then someone who never really trusted us anyway.

2. If, however, you do get disappointed, use the following strategies:

First of all, don’t take it personal. We suffer most because we believe a betrayal was an act against us but it hardly ever is. When people betray us they usually act from a place of low resources, from feeling trapped and cornered. Secondly, try and understand the betrayal from the perspective of the other person. Often you will be able to understand their perceived lack of options at the time. Understanding their deceitful behaviour doesn’t mean you are forgiving it, although it might well make you want to forgive – provided you still believe in the person as a whole. If you empathize enough with the other person, see their tricky situation and decide to give the person a second chance, go for it. Otherwise, exclude him/her from your circle of trusted people.

Research has found that trusting people forgive readily as soon as they understand the other person’s problems or what made them deviate from their normal pattern.

HOW CAN I GET STARTED WITH TRUSTING MORE ?

Trust is something you learn from your parents or the significant people around you in your early years. When you have had repeated experience of being able to rely on those around you, you feel safe in your environment and you dare to feel trust towards other people.

If you haven’t been lucky enough to have trusting people around you, you can still become more trusting:

1. Start with being more honest with yourself AND become more self-accepting at the same time. Who are you ? Write an honest description about yourself and pretend it’s for your grand or grand grand children. Include your good and bad traits and all your roles, e.g. a parent, a colleague, an entertainer etc. We tend to forget our good ones and exaggerate our faults, so make sure you include what your friends and those who like/love you, would have to say about you. Now have a look at the not-so-good traits and habits of yours. Accept them by saying “I am xyz and it is OK”. This doesn’t mean you’ll never change but you accept them right now. They are part of you and make you the wonderful person you are.  The more accepting you are about who you are and who you are not the less vulnerable you are and the easier it will be for your to trust others (ok, I am crap at ironing and I don’t like it and it’s OK ! – there’s other things I am good at).
2. Consciously choose to believe that the world and the people in it are inherently good. This belief will feel uncomfortable at first but commit to finding evidence for it. For the next 7 days collect evidence of all the good and decent behaviour around you. Don’t take it for granted, notice it, acknowledge your neighbours greeting, your butchers honest weighing of your meat etc. You will conclude that there are indeed good people around you. And don’t forget you don’t have a real alternative anyway: you either trust and have a chance of rewarding experiences/relationships or you dis-trust and get garantueed dissatisfaction – a no-brainer really !
3. Now act as if you totally trust, i.e. as if you totally believe that the people around you are good, mean well and want good for you. When your partner doesn’t come home at the expected time consciously think that this can only be due to the car having broken down, his mate holding him back or anything else out of his control. See this as a sign of your loyalty to your partner and enjoy the strength that comes from such thinking. If life throws a disastrous event in your path, trust that there must be some good in this and that you just haven’t spotted it yet. Look out for it. It’s ALWAYS there.

Wouldn’t it be great to go on holiday and not only come back with a healthier body and a more relaxed mind but also have figured out the way ahead, maybe found more clarity and even one’s purpose, or picked up some new strategies for increasing the number of smiles every day – long after you returned home ?

For years we have been searching for that perfect place to offer just that. We considered New Zealand, Cornwall in the UK, Vancouver and Victoria Island in Canada, California and those traditional holiday locations. And then we discovered a well-kept secret: a place that is not marketing itself like Dubai and is not well known like the Bahamas or Paris, yet provides the most stunning natural beauty combined with history & castles and abounding outdoor opportunities: Schwangau with Neuschwanstein Castle in the Bavarian Alps/ German. You must check it out. Have a first look here: The Perfect Christmas Holiday

or watch this You Tube video: Village of the King’s Castles

With two experienced professional certified coaches who chose to make  Schwangau by Neuschwanstein castle their home, we can tailor your holiday to move you forward on the important questions in your life while relaxing and having fun outdoor or indoor.  Ask us to make your trip magical!

One of my passions is helping people to enjoy their lives more, helping them to create more happiness which has been proven to boost people’s energy, creativity, immune system/health, productivity at work and even lead to a longer life ! I deliberately use the word “create” not “find” because happiness is not something you can find “out there”, the only place to generate it from is “from inside” by learning the attitudes, skills and strategies to become happier (if you would like me to coach you to be happier,  just drop me an email at coaching@developandgrow.com).

Remember the quote from Agnes Repplier:

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

So, let’s have a look at the free happiness tests I promised.

FREE OVERALL HAPPINESS TESTS

First of all there are tests that measure overall subjective well-being (many scientists prefer the term subjective well-being instead of happiness). These tests give you a score for your genetic set point for happiness, the happiness level you automatically return back to after great ups (e.g. a pay-raise at work) or downs (e.g. loss of a friend). This level is different for everyone; some people are naturally happier than others.

1. Subjective Happiness Scale – by Sonja Lyubomirsky

The average happiness score runs from about 4.5 to 5.5. College students tend to score lower (averaging a bit below 5) than working adults and older, retired people (who average 5.6)

2. Life Satisfaction Test – by Ed Diener

The average score for adults here is 5.8.

FREE SPECIFIC HAPPINESS LEVEL TEST

Only 50% of your happiness is determined by genetics though, 10% (ONLY !) by life circumstances such as how much money you earn/ job you hold/ size of car you have and another 40% of your happiness can be influenced by your intentional activities (your thoughts, actions, attitudes). Through these you  influence your happiness level which could be way above your happiness set point. The Oxford Happiness Questionnaire is a scale which measures your happiness level. You can and should take it regularly (i.e. every 6 months) to see how your happiness level evolves, particularly if you are working (with or without a coach) on new ways of becoming a happier person.

The Oxford Happiness Questionnaire – by Michael Argyle

The average score is around 4.3. Your own score will have most meaning by  comparing it to a future score of yours (say in 3 months) to see whether you are making progress in becoming a happier person (before you re-take the test, you should work on something that is scientifically proven to boost your happiness such as counting your blessings every night, i.e. finding 3 things that you are grateful for – or anything else of course).

OTHER FREE HAPPINESS TESTS

The Positive Psychology department at the University of Pennsylvania is constantly developing new improved happiness tests. If you would like to try them out check this website. They are free but you need to register to take them.

Authentic Happiness Inventory Questionaire – by Martin Seligman (see  the emotion questionaires section)

There are plenty of self-made quizzes about happiness as well. None of them are validated, so the interpretation of your results may or may not be correct. If you take those, take them for fun. If you really want to assess or even work on your happiness level, take the one’s recommended above. Happy testing !

Your score on the Oxford Happiness Questionnaire reflects your current happiness level, which will vary depending on what you DO and how you THINK (40% of your happiness is dependent on your intentional activities!). It’s a great test to re-take regularly in order to track your progress on becoming a happier person.  Your score will be different from your happiness set point, your genetically determined starting point. 

Instructions

Below are a number of statements about happiness. Please indicate how much you agree or disagree with each statement by entering a number in the blank after each of them. Use the following scale:

1 = strongly disagree
2 = moderately disagree
3 = slightly disagree
4 = slightly agree
5 = moderately agree
6 = strongly agree

Please read the statements carefully, because some are phrased positively and others negatively. There are no right or wrong answers and no trick questions. Just answer what comes to your mind first.

The Questionnaire

1. I don’t feel particularly pleased with the way I am. (X) _____

2. I am intensely interested in other people. _____

3. I feel that life is very rewarding. _____

4. I have very warm feelings towards almost everyone. _____

5. I rarely wake up feeling rested. (X) _____

6. I am not particularly optimistic about the future. (X) _____

7. I find most things amusing. _____

8. I am always committed and involved. _____

9. Life is good. _____

10. I don’t think that the world is a good place. (X) _____

11. I laugh a lot. _____

12. I am well satisfied with everything in my life. _____

13. I don’t think I look attractive. (X) _____

14. There is a gap between what I would like to do and what I have done. (X) _____

15. I am very happy. _____

16. I find beauty in some things. _____

17. I always have a cheerful effect on others. _____

18. I can find time for everything I want to do. _____

19. I feel that I am not especially in control of my life. (X) _____

20. I feel able to take anything on. _____

21. I feel fully mentally alert. _____

22. I often experience joy and elation. _____

23. I don’t find it easy to make decisions. (X) _____

24. I don’t have a particular sense of meaning and purpose in my life. (X) _____

25. I feel I have a great deal of energy. _____

26. I usually have a positive influence on events. _____

27. I don’t have fun with other people. (X) _____

28. I don’t feel particularly healthy. (X) _____

29. I don’t have particularly happy memories of the past. (X) _____

How to calculate your score

Step 1. 12 items have been marked with an (X). These should be “reverse-scored” as follows:

If you gave yourself a “1,” cross it out and change it to a “6.”
Change “2″ to a “5″
Change “3″ to a “4″
Change “4″ to a “3″
Change “5″ to a “2″
Change “6″ to a “1″

Step 2. Using the changed scores for those 12 items, now add your scores for ALL the 29 items.

Step 3. Your happiness score = the total (from step 2) divided by 29.

The lowest possible score is obviously 1 and the highest possible score is 6. The average is around 4.3. Your own score will have most meaning by  comparing it to a future score of yours (say in 3 months) to see whether you are making progress in becoming a happier person (before you re-take the test, you should work on something that is scientifically proven to boost your happiness such as counting your blessings every night, i.e. finding 3 things that you are grateful for – or anything else of course).

Reference

Hills, P., & Argyle, M. (2002). The Oxford Happiness Questionnaire: a compact scale for the measurement of psychological well-being. Personality and Individual Differences, 33, 1073–1082.

Here are my top 10 favourite happiness quotes and many more. Enjoy and let them inspire you!

1. It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere. – Agnes Repplier

2. “Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.” ~ Francesca Reigler, artist

3. When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. - Helen Keller

4. Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. – Albert Schweitzer

5. Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action. – Benjamin Disraeli

6. The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet. – James Oppenheim

7. Happiness is not so much in having as sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. – Norman Mac Ewan

8. People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within. – Ramona L. Anderson

9. Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier.  The way it actually works is the reverse.  You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.  ~Margaret Young

10. When someone does something good, applaud! You will make two people happy.
- Samuel Goldwyn

And other great quotes about happiness:

It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about. — Dale Carnegie

Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. — Harold Whitman

There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do.  ~Freya Stark, The Journey’s Echo

It’s not how much we have, but how much we enjoy that makes happiness. – Unknown

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know you left open. – John Barrymore

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.  ~Cynthia Nelms

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness.  Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.  ~H. Jackson Browne

The happiest people don’t have the best of it. They make the best of everything.

Happiness is a way of travel, not a destination. Roy Goodman

We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements in life, when all we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about.  ~Charles Kingsley

People are as happy as they make up their minds to be. Abraham Lincoln

Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy — because we will always want to have something else or something more. – Brother David Steindl-Rast

Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. – Denis Waitley

The true way to render ourselves happy is to love our work and find in it our pleasure – Francoise de Motteville

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. – George Sand

The basic thing is that everyone wants happiness, no one wants suffering. And happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors. If your own mental attitude is correct, even if you remain in a hostile atmosphere, you feel happy. -H.H. The Dalai Lama

Consider the following. We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others’ actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others’ activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others. – H.H. The Dalai Lama

When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace. – H.H. The Dalai Lama

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. – H.H. The Dalai Lama

Many people have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose. – Helen Keller

Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others, cannot keep it from themselves. – James M. Barrie

The world has to learn that the actual pleasure derived from material things is of rather low quality on the whole and less even in quantity than it looks to those who have not tried it. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

Growth itself contains the germ of happiness. – Pearl S. Buck

If you want to be happy, be.  ~Leo Tolstoy

Most people would rather be certain they’re miserable, than risk being happy.  ~Robert Anthony

This is my “depressed stance.”  When you’re depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand.  The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you’ll start to feel better.  If you’re going to get any joy out of being depressed, you’ve got to stand like this.  ~Charlie Brown

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.  ~Abraham Lincoln

We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.  ~Frederick Keonig

Happiness is a direction, not a place.  ~Sydney J. Harris

We are no longer happy so soon as we wish to be happier.  ~Walter Savage Landor

So long as we can lose any happiness, we possess some.  ~Booth Tarkington

You cannot always have happiness, but you can always give happiness.  ~Author Unknown

There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do.  ~Freya Stark, The Journey’s Echo

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.  ~Robert Brault, robertbrault.com

To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others.  ~Albert Camus, The Fall, 1956

Some pursue happiness, others create it.  ~Author Unknown

The essence of philosophy is that a man should so live that his happiness shall depend as little as possible on external things.  ~Epictetus

You need to learn to be happy by nature, because you’ll seldom have the chance to be happy by circumstance.  ~Lavetta Sue Wegman

Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn’t stop to enjoy it.  ~William Feather

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.  ~Mildred Barthel

Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.  ~Margaret Lee Runbeck

Aristotle
To live happily is an inward power of the soul.

Happiness comes from spiritual wealth, not material wealth… Happiness comes from giving, not getting. If we try hard to bring happiness to others, we cannot stop it from coming to us also. To get joy, we must give it, and to keep joy, we must scatter it. – John Templeton

The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not on our circumstances. We carry the seeds of the one or the other about with us in our minds wherever we go. – Martha Washington

Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have. – Anon

Happiness is enhanced by others but does not depend upon others. – Anon

Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times. – Anon

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde

Change your thoughts and you change your world. – William James

Happiness is a habit—cultivate it. – Elbert Hubbard

Worry doesn’t help tomorrow’s troubles, but it does ruin today’s happiness.
- Unknown

“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts: therefore, guard accordingly, and take care that you entertain no notions unsuitable to virtue and reasonable nature.” ~ Marcus Aurelius

“Simply put, you believe that things or people make you unhappy, but this is not accurate. You make yourself unhappy.” ~ Wayne Dyer

“We always have enough to be happy if we are enjoying what we do have–and not worrying about what we don’t have.” ~ Ken Keyes, Jr.

Being happy doesn’t mean everything is perfect. It means you have decided to look beyond the imperfections. –Unknown

Like swimming, riding, writing, or playing golf, happiness can be learned. — Boris Sokoloff

Happiness radiates like the fragrance from a flower, and draws all good things toward you. — Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

To get up each morning with the resolve to be happy . . . is to set our own conditions to the events of each day. To do this is to condition circumstances instead of being conditioned by them. — Ralph Waldo Emerson

And finally:

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mistery. And today ? Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present. B. Olatunji

Have you been following the principle “work before pleasure” or “business before play” and wondered why you always feel stressed ? The hard scientific truth is: these principles don’t work !

Let’s first have a look what stress actually is: You feel stressed when….

… you feel helpless

… you feel driven by others

… you don’t know how long the pressure will last

… you feel you are a victim

… you feel you can’t handle it

Stress is a natural body reaction to cope with extraordinary pressures. The key is not just to know how to avoid those stressful feelings but to know how to get rid of them fast.

The more you are in control of your life and the way you spend your time, the less stressed you will feel. So stress relief is a matter of organization !

First Aid against Stress:

1. What is the source of my stress ?

Your first task is to figure out the real source for your stress. Just ask yourself what really causes you to feel pressured. The daily way to work ? The routine tasks at home ? The noise ? Your boss’s comments .. and what about them exactly ?

2. Relaxation

Breaks from your work are vital for staying balanced. This sounds simple and yet, sometimes, the simplest solutions are the best. Taking a break allows you to switch off or step back so you can see the big picture again. It will put your current task in perspective and allow you to see new solutions and opportunities. At the very least it will just recharge your batteries for you to keep going.

3. Sport

Find a sport or a form of movement that you enjoy. Enjoyment is key here. The impact of sport on eliminating stress hormones is well documented. And regular activity is also proven to prevent stress from building up in the first place.

4. Say “No”

Many people say “yes” to often when they wish they had said “no”. As a result we pile up to many tasks and finally feel we can’t cope anymore: stress emerges. So why do we say “yes” when we mean “no” ? Most people think that “yes” makes them look competent, strong and helpful and that saying “no” is a sign of weakness. Yet, the opposite is true. Saying “no” is a sign of strength. It takes courage to say “no” to a friend or a boss and it shows that you value your own goals, family and friends.

Quick – Fix for Any Stress Situation

Often stress is a matter of perspective. Ask yourself the following questions to find new perspectives that will immediately relieve your stressful feelings:

1. Is my life in danger ?  Yes: Act quickly ! No: Relax, it’s not all that bad.
2. Is the life of someone I love in danger ? Yes: Act quickly ! No: Relax again.
3. If I had only 3 more months to live, would I get annoyed now ?
4. If I explained my situation to a 4 year-old child, would it understand what I find stressful ?
5. Could I imagine that I’d laugh about my current situation in 5 years ? Or in 5 months ? If so, why not laugh about it in 5 minutes ?

Silence is so much more powerful than noise or talking – in so many ways. You can’t use it though, unless you feel comfortable with silence. Most people don’t.

You may remember the “awkward” silence in a conversation you had and remember how fast one of you “covered’ it with saying something, anything, …just so it wouldn’t feel so awkward. Silence is hard to stand, hard to maintain….unless you decide to focus on it, decide to become comfortable with it and train yourself in staying silent. Why ?

In conversation, silence encourages your counterpart to keep talking, to deepen his/her statements, to reveal more of the motives behind his/her earlier sentences. It signals that you are listening and ready to hear more. Silence provides space for depth and encourages exploration. It creates deeper relationships, relationships in which it is ok to just BE together.

Staying silent on your own is another matter. Most of the time noise and clutter dominate our lives. As a result we feel constantly busy. Some of us have grown so used to feeling busy that they get confused when they are not. They instinctively fill any empty slot with a new task, cramming more things into their fast noisy lives. The result is that you can’t see the wood for the trees. You are IN your life, driven by immediate requirements, emergencies, commitments. What you miss is seeing ONTO your life. Leaving the day-to-day behind and reflecting upon what’s going on for you from a perspective far above your daily actions.

In fact, being silent for a while and stopping the mad routine of DOING DOING DOING, is the only way to reflect about BEING, about who you are in this life and more importantly about who you are still becoming. This is where I have been.

I have to say that I was shocked myself how easily one gets sucked up into the DOING-TRAP, working off to-do lists, completing task after task (our move, the establishment of the international coaching practice in both Dubai and Germany) and even feeling accomplished in the process of it.

And then, one day I woke up and realized I was not walking and enjoying my life but running it, sprinting the last months along. Why ? There is no rush, there is no point in arriving. The whole point about living a happy life is about enjoying the journey and regularly correcting the course of the journey by reflecting upon one’s life. This is what I took my time of silence for in the past week, reflecting – just being still and listening, just writing down what I heard, just viewing my life from a “mountain” – is what I have been doing in the past weeks.

I have come to some great new insights and visions for my next life phase. I feel refreshed and full of energy to enjoy the next stretch of the journey. I have made a commitment to spend regular time in silence - treating myself to this pleasure on a weekly basis. How about you ? When do you harness the power of silence ?