1. Change is going to happen

2. You can choose to try to fight it or adapt – or even better: be pro-active and create the change YOUR way !

3. Although you can’t stop things from changing, you can control how you respond/react to them

4. Everyone reacts to change differently

5. Often when a door closes, a new, “better” one opens – but you need to choose to see it !

Yesterday, I experienced a real life example of these principles. Listen to this:

I could not believe what I saw in the letter, but indeed, our landlord was telling us with 6 month’s notice that he was not going to renew the tenancy agreement for our villa beyond December. He was going to demolish our entire compound of 10 villas built only 4 years ago ! If you know Dubai, you know that it has become common practise to “re-develop” plots to increase the profits. It is also a way to kick-out tenants with the view to charge new tenants a multiple of the previously charged rent (rent increases to existing tenants are limited to 7% p.a.).
When we rented the villa 4 years ago, the rent was at the top end of the market, but with rents rising 30% p.a., I knew that villas like ours where now being let at double the price we were paying. Finding an affordable villa that was still near my daughter’s school (traffic in Dubai is terrible) could have become a nightmare for us … but instead, after the initial surprise about the notice, I just couldn’t help but smile….

We had spend the past 6 months trying to work out how we really wanted life to be for us, where we really wanted to live ourselves, where we would be able to do the things that deep inside us mattered most to us and had meaning and ….where we really wanted our daughter to grow up. And the result was, that we took the decision to move, move away from the stress, the city life and lack of nature in Dubai ! Yes, we had decided months ago to not only move locations but also scale down and simplify our life so that we could do more of the things that mattered to us, be the type of wife/husband, mother/father, friend/colleague etc we really wanted to be and create those events and experiences that we would be proud of in old age.

Yes, we were going to leave anyway !

I felt so relieved, and so happy. The little voices in our heads had surely tried to convince us to keep things as they were “Why bother changing ? It is so much work. Just stay and enjoy life. You have it good, don’t be ungrateful for what you have…” The little voices were trying to convince us to just stay one more year, earn some more money, just keep going one more year. But we had finally chosen not to listen to them and go anyway. We committed ourselves to a new place in beautiful nature, where we would be able to spend more time with each other and live on a lower budget. And it felt so right.

I was so glad that we had not waited for things around us to change, holding on to the hope that what we liked about Dubai would stay the same… I suddenly felt (rather than just knew) what it meant to be in control of your life …rather than being controlled by life’s events. We had created our own change, the change we really wanted, the change that was surely hard work, too, but had a clear direction for us and hence felt wonderful !

And the best of it all….I know how to repeat this !
If you spend the time to figure out what really matters to you, clarify your values and those of the loved one’s around you, you have a guiding light for your path ahead. You can initiate the change that is needed to make you live more aligned with what matters to you, to have more integrity. This is a choice and you have to be pro-active. But as a result, you will change your life – rather than your life changing you.

The time where wealth was measured in the currency of money is over ! The new currency for measuring “wealth” is called MEANING.

This line struck a cord with me and put into one sentence what I have sensed after coaching around 100 clients in the past years.

“Money simply doesn’t hold as much currency as leading a meaningful life. As a part of a worldwide trend towards a search for more meaningful lives, people are looking for more fun, family and friendship and less money and “things”. Where money was once the currency of a successful life, wealth is increasingly being measured in connection with sustainability and happiness.” says Judy Chapman, the author of the article.

Research all over the world supports this and Judy quotes an Australian study which shows that health, community and friends contribute more to people’s happiness than money or their financial situation.
From my own quantitative research in Dubai I know that Dubai lags a little bit behind this global trend: the majority of people still believe that more money will create more happiness for them (I guess that’s what many people come to Dubai for in the first place). The number of people searching for meaning, however, is ever increasing, also in Dubai.

So where does this shift from a money-centric society to a one that emphasizes meaning and happiness come from ?

Seemingly people are yearning for slowing down and creating more time for themselves. People want quality instead of quantity and significance instead of mere success. And they want to spend their money on enriching experiences that will make a difference and that gives their life meaning.

According to Dr. Clive Hamilton, one of the authors of “Affluenza – When Too Much is Never Enough” there is a rising trend in “downshifters”: people who make a conscious decision to accept a lower income and a lower level of consumption to pursue other life goals, such as more balance, more personal fulfillment and time with their families.

When asked about the change “downshifting” had on their lives, “downshifters” talked about improved health, more time with family and friends, more personal freedom and joy of living and many new opportunities they previously did not think existed. These changes are very similar to those my clients report when following their own meaningful path based on what uniquely matters to them (their values).

Judy Chapman’s article ends with a beautiful paragraph:
“As the 21st century unfolds, the question facing countries around the world is not how they can become more economically prosperous. Rather, it is about how we can build vibrant societies in which meaning and connection are not casualties but cornerstones. Make yourself part of that process!”

I share the longing for community, meaning and connection and that’s what brought to life the Develop & Grow Community, our group of exceptional people dedicated to supporting each other in growing into their full potential and their most aspirational selfs. Money is not on top of our list of values. Connection to others, giving back and making a difference is. That’s what meaning is for me.

This is a great time to STOP and reflect upon an few questions:

- Where is your life like the rat racer’s ?
- Where are you racing to ?
- What is the impact of the rat race on who you are ?
- What do you want from your life right now ? And who is stopping you ?

Often, we are so busy racing, that we do not even have the time to stop and think ! Yet, the truth is that we gain time by stopping our busyness, by taking a look at the bigger picture of our lives, by finding out what really matters and then focusing and prioritizing on those few big things.

Why are you hurrying ?
What would happen if you didn’t ? Come on, really, what is at stake if you slowed things down ? Might you have more fun ?

Here is a touching song a friend of mine sent me:

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why

Don’t know why I have to drive so fast
My car has nothing to prove
It’s not new
But it’ll do zero to sixty in five point two

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why

Can’t be late, I leave in plenty of time
Shakin’ hands with the clock
I can’t stop
I’m on a roll and I’m ready to rock

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why

Oh, I hear a voice
That says I’m running behind
Better pick up my pace
It’s a race and there ain’t no room for someone in second place

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why

For many people it is desirable and for some it is even exciting to work hard in order to buy (and own) a bigger house, a bigger car, a bigger (fill in the blank). Owning the land, the house, the car etc etc. provides a sense of achievement and the peace of mind, that nobody can take this away again. In fact, I have many coaching clients you are striving to own their own dream house so that they can relax, be safe, have peace of mind.

They are accepting to work hard and to sacrifice their current life for the future dream life. Some never reach the dream life, or they reach it so late, they don’t have time to enjoy it anymore. You already know all this. But here is something more.
Have you ever realized that owning the big estate and all the other things that go with it, are actually restricting your freedom ? The more you own, the more trapped you get: trapped in responsibility to maintain it, to protect it, preserve it and hold the status quo. You start worrying about losing it all again. So after all the hard work, you get the prize and more worries and responsibilities come as a bonus.

Do you remember those days in university or the first days at your first job when you owned little, had a small room or apartment and few things to worry about ? Do you remember the freedom you felt ? Life was comparatively simple, you enjoyed it and you had peace of mind.

Lately, I have been both longing for the simplicity those days had as well as living in my dream location (don’t we always want it all !) and suddenly I had this insight:

You don’t have to own it to enjoy it !

I realized that there are many more ways of enjoying what I want without necessarily owning it. I can enjoy a beautiful holiday spot without necessarily owning a place there, I can enjoy a beautiful painting without needing to own it etc.

My personal dream is to live in a cosy, spacious, airy and light-flooded house in the midst of green countryside. So far, I thought I would have to be able to afford the house and enough land around it to create my dream. With this new insight a whole new set of possibilities emerged. Why not live in “someone else’s garden”, i.e. have a house in the countryside with little land owned by me and lot of common land around for me to use ? Or why not live in a park and find a way to be of value to the park owner ? Of course all of these options come with their specific compromises attached but the point is, I would not even have considered them. The possibility of reaching my dream in other ways gets me excited, feeling alive.
The advantage of this new set of ideas is that I would get the benefit of enjoying the views and surroundings without being responsible for them. I can contribute to them as much as I want rather than having to. I would be freer to do whatever I want to do with my time. And finally, the less you own, the easier it is to move on if I felt like it – another form of freedom.

What can you enjoy without needing to own it ?

Today is all you have got ! Make the most of it. So many people are putting up with disatisfactory and unhappy lives in the hope that one day it will all be better. It will be when you find the right partner, the kids have grown up, the mortgage is paid for, the markets are more favourable, the promotion has been granted…etc. Instead of making the most out of the moment right now, are you already thinking about how it will probably all be better later, tomorrow, next year ?

If this rings home for you, have a read of this beautiful and moving piece written by a 85-year old man:

“If I had my life to live over again, I’d try to make more mistakes next time. I wouldn’t be so perfect. I would relax more. I’d limber up. I’d be sillier than I’ve been on this trip. In fact, I know very few things that I would take so seriously. I’d be crazier, I’d be less hygienic.
I’d take more chances, I’d take more trips. I’d climb more mountains, I’d swim more rivers, I’d go more places I have never been to. I’d eat more ice-cream and fewer beans.

I’d have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones! You see, I was one of those people who lived prophylactically and sensibly and sanely hour after hour and day after day. Oh, I’ve had my moments. And if I had it to do over again, I’d have more of those moments – moment by moment by moment. I’ve been one of those people who never went anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a rain coat and a parachute. If I had to do it all over again, I’d travel lighter next time.

If I had it to do over again I’d start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay way later in the fall. I’d ride more merry-go-rounds. I’d watch more sunrises and I’d play with more children. If I my life to live over again.

But you see, I don’t.”

Lately, I have been getting very tired and not sleeping very well. As a result, I have been tired, irritable and down – in fact, not my usual self. This has negatively impacted my relationship with my family, a primary value of mine. I have been snappy with my daughter, and avoided any serious discussion or dreaming with my wife. I was not able to give a 100% to my clients and colleagues. I became dull, not great fun to be around and just so tired all the time. This is not me ! I am normally highly energized, love action and have terrific endurance to face all that life throws at me. Hey, I love life !

I mentioned my busy life to my coach and he asked me what the “busy-ness” in my life did for me. I knew immediately that it added to my self-esteem through action and a deeply ingrained work ethic that ensured I place effort, where I wanted success. All of this made sense to me at the time. I have been brought up to believe in hard work leading to results.

I am creative and action oriented, manage my time extremely well, work and play hard and am very successful in my career (all of this is relative of course, as we are all different). Being multi-tasked and getting great results through constant achievement was obviously working for me. But what about the bad nights sleep and the fatigue I felt during the day ?
My fun in the journey of life was getting eroded and I knew something was wrong. But frankly, I had no idea what this was. I could not identify the “busy-ness”.

Something I picked from the next chat with my coach was that I had very little time doing nothing. Well, to be absolutely honest, I had no time at all for doing nothing. The concept of nothing did not fit into either my beliefs or my practices and sounded a bit like “laziness”.

My coach touched upon a very common phenomenon amongst “successful” people, that of “burn-out”. Those of us who have fast paced careers and personal lives will at one point of another face this. The busy world we live in and create for ourselves takes its toll on us. “Burn-out” is a very natural result of pushing ourselves too hard for too long. Reaping the eventual consequences of mental exhaustion and/or physical sickness. It’s impact can be far reaching, affecting our entire lives. Not only our current lives but also our future relationships, goals and endeavors. From being highly “successful”, burn-out can lead to failure in every aspect of our lives. Career, family, money, health, personal growth and indeed our physical environment can all become victim. A loss of balance is natural in life, it’s part of the journey and I was losing balance big time without consciously realising it. I was becoming a victim of stress and losing touch with myself.

I have two careers. I am a banker as well as a co-active coach. I love my clients and I am excited by their resourcefulness and the inspiration they give me. They are indeed innovative and complete as humans and I am passionate about their well-being, honored to be their coach and banker. Quite naturally, I spend a lot of time thinking about my work. A lot of my spare time involves thinking about my clients and the various ways in which I can add value to them. My brain is never really inactive and constantly tasks itself with a new thought pattern or process. What I had begun to realize was that my active self had taken over in every aspect of my life and I was pushing myself in everything I was doing. For someone dedicated to fun, this was doing just the opposite. I could not switch off, and my careers were taking over my complete life. My thoughts were taking away relaxation, and my constant search for achievement was ensuring I got very little rest. My mind could not relax and I had gotten into the habit of constant activity without rest or relaxation. I had chosen stress !

The lack of sleep and resultant fatigue, however, had finally set off alarm bells and I made this a priority. My coach and I have focused a great deal on the “being” or the spiritual side of who I am as a person and so I worked with him to regain the balance in thought which has been missing in my life. This has been a remarkable experience.

I was asked to explore “stillness” A concept unknown to me. For two weeks I struggled with a half hour of mental “stillness” every day. I walked on the beach, sipped a cold drink on the terrace, laid down and closed my eyes, sat on the beach and watched the sunset, went for a run.

“Stillness” had nothing to do with being still, but all to do with living in the moment, enjoying every minute of what you are doing and, not thinking about the past or the future. Honoring the moment, squeezing the juice out of that precise second in that precise minute knowing that this is it, and that the moment will never return. It is all about going into oneself and really engaging with what’s current. Reality is NOW ! It is focusing on where you are and really appreciating the sensations of the moment.

As you read this, look up and focus on the place you are at, really focus on what you can see around you. Listen to all the sounds that you can pick up, all the little background noises that you become aware of. Smell what you can . Really focus your being on enjoying where you are right now. This is “stillness”, and it is fantastic. I am an avid practitioner of “stillness” now. It clears my mind from worries, thoughts about the future, let’s me enjoy the moment and constantly brings me new perspectives on the amazing world we live in. I thank my coach Andy Denne, for this journey to “stillness”. Just in case anyone is interested, I sleep very well the days I choose to to spend time in “stillness”. I have more energy, and am much more relaxed. Everything seems to fall into place. There are still days when I forget. It is all about improving !

Two novice Zen monks are arguing about whose master is more evolved and accomplished. So the first monk boasts, “My master is so powerful, he can stand on one side of the river and write his name in the mud on the opposite side”. “That’s nothing” said the other one. “When my master is hungry, he eats and when he is tired he sleeps”.

Modern life, with all its overload has become so stressful and cluttered that people have stopped enjoying it and those who have figured out how to stop hurting themselves, are being classified as genius.