WHAT IS TRUST AND WHY DOES IT MATTER  ?

There are two types of trust: external, i.e. expecting a positive outcome or internal, i.e. expecting to be able to turn everything into an opportunity or something positive. Essentially the first type is trust in others/the world and the second one is trust in yourself.

Both types of trust result from YOUR CHOICE – subconsciously or consciously. Once you realize you can’t control everything (and trust me you can’t), you only have two choices: trust or distrust.

If you have been lucky enough to have had parents or role models that created a safe environment for you you probably trust naturally and the whole idea hasn’t emerged to your consciousness much. If, however, you weren’t quite so lucky you probably naturally distrust. In that case becoming more trusting will be an ACTIVE effort that will pay rich dividends to you while being a gift to those around you.

Research has shown that trusting people are happier, better liked by others, more honest and more moralistic do-gooders. If you feel trust you can let go of some of your need to control. You can let things happen and “go with the flow”. It’s a peaceful stress-free way of life.

Trust creates a feeling of safety for those around you. Think about it. If you feel that those around trust you, you feel safe in trying out new things and excelling at whatever you do. Mistakes become opportunities to learn. If you feel there’s distrust, you play small, you are afraid to make mistakes and focus your energy on avoiding them rather than learning from them.

WHAT IS YOUR DEFAULT POSITION ?

Everyone trusts some and not others. I am talking about your general disposition here. Even a trusting person who has been hurt or disappointed stops trusting a certain person but he/she doesn’t stop trusting the rest of the world. A distrusting person generally distrusts everyone and continues to do so even after one person has managed to earn his/her trust. Are you generally someone who trusts until proven wrong or someone who distrusts until proven wrong ?

WHAT IF I CAN’T TRUST ?

Well, that means you live a life driven by fear. You constantly expect others to have negative intentions and exploit you. You expect life to disappoint you and you look for proof for it of which you find abundant occurrence (you’d find equal proof of the opposite but you’re not focusing on that so you don’t see it).

Using the word “can’t trust” is misleading yourself. It suggests that you are not in control of “doing the trusting thing” and that someone or something else is in the way of you being a more trusting person. Who or what would that be ? Of course there is nothing or no one else ! You are not in control of others’ behaviours and the world’s events but you are in control of whether you trust or not.

Face the reality. If you really wanted to be more trusting you could. The issue is not that you can’t but that you don’t want to because you are afraid of being hurt or disappointed That’s being honest. Now have a look at the chart below and you will understand that the risk of being hurt occasionally is still well worth the effort of being trusting.

WHY TRUST IS THE ONLY WAY !

.. .. .. OTHER PERSON		ME
		I trust	I don’t trust
	Good Person	I was RIGHT Rewarding deep Experience	I was WRONG Missed Opportunity
	Bad Person	I was WRONG Unexpected Disappointment/Hurt	I was RIGHT Expected disappointment/hurt or No relationship at all

Only when you trust do you have a chance of a positive enriching experience/relationship ! Not trusting garantuees that you will have no rewarding relationship because you either miss the good ones or at best correctly predict the bad ones which you then – understandably – dismiss. Net, if you want meaningful relationships you must trust.

Do you see how you can dare to try being trusting because the alternative is so undesirable,  such a certain  loss ?

You know already that trust is a conscious choice. It’s something you can choose to believe “ I believe that the world and the people in it are inherently good “.

HOW TO HANDLE DISAPPOINTMENT WHEN I DO TRUST ?

Now you have understood that the only chance to develop meaningful relationships (both with people and general events) is by trusting. That of course entails a risk of being disappointment every now and then. Here are a few stragies to keep the hurt and disappointment small.

1. First of all, know that trust breeds good behaviour (like a self fulfilling prophecy) and that trusting people therefore experience fewer disappointments then non trusting people because

a. We feel honoured when someone simply trusts us or gives us the benefit of the doubt. In return we behave better in order to live up to that image (signs of trust are openness, sharing of intimate, personal or sensitive information, somebody makes himself vulnerable, somebody tells us they trust us).

b. We feel a bigger barrier to distrustful behaviour or to being dishonest when we know someone actively trusts us. It’s as if betraying someone who actively put their trust into us is a more serious betrayal then someone who never really trusted us anyway.

2. If, however, you do get disappointed, use the following strategies:

First of all, don’t take it personal. We suffer most because we believe a betrayal was an act against us but it hardly ever is. When people betray us they usually act from a place of low resources, from feeling trapped and cornered. Secondly, try and understand the betrayal from the perspective of the other person. Often you will be able to understand their perceived lack of options at the time. Understanding their deceitful behaviour doesn’t mean you are forgiving it, although it might well make you want to forgive – provided you still believe in the person as a whole. If you empathize enough with the other person, see their tricky situation and decide to give the person a second chance, go for it. Otherwise, exclude him/her from your circle of trusted people.

Research has found that trusting people forgive readily as soon as they understand the other person’s problems or what made them deviate from their normal pattern.

HOW CAN I GET STARTED WITH TRUSTING MORE ?

Trust is something you learn from your parents or the significant people around you in your early years. When you have had repeated experience of being able to rely on those around you, you feel safe in your environment and you dare to feel trust towards other people.

If you haven’t been lucky enough to have trusting people around you, you can still become more trusting:

1. Start with being more honest with yourself AND become more self-accepting at the same time. Who are you ? Write an honest description about yourself and pretend it’s for your grand or grand grand children. Include your good and bad traits and all your roles, e.g. a parent, a colleague, an entertainer etc. We tend to forget our good ones and exaggerate our faults, so make sure you include what your friends and those who like/love you, would have to say about you. Now have a look at the not-so-good traits and habits of yours. Accept them by saying “I am xyz and it is OK”. This doesn’t mean you’ll never change but you accept them right now. They are part of you and make you the wonderful person you are.  The more accepting you are about who you are and who you are not the less vulnerable you are and the easier it will be for your to trust others (ok, I am crap at ironing and I don’t like it and it’s OK ! – there’s other things I am good at).
2. Consciously choose to believe that the world and the people in it are inherently good. This belief will feel uncomfortable at first but commit to finding evidence for it. For the next 7 days collect evidence of all the good and decent behaviour around you. Don’t take it for granted, notice it, acknowledge your neighbours greeting, your butchers honest weighing of your meat etc. You will conclude that there are indeed good people around you. And don’t forget you don’t have a real alternative anyway: you either trust and have a chance of rewarding experiences/relationships or you dis-trust and get garantueed dissatisfaction – a no-brainer really !
3. Now act as if you totally trust, i.e. as if you totally believe that the people around you are good, mean well and want good for you. When your partner doesn’t come home at the expected time consciously think that this can only be due to the car having broken down, his mate holding him back or anything else out of his control. See this as a sign of your loyalty to your partner and enjoy the strength that comes from such thinking. If life throws a disastrous event in your path, trust that there must be some good in this and that you just haven’t spotted it yet. Look out for it. It’s ALWAYS there.

Most people are way to pre-occupied with themselves to truly be interested in you. Everything they say and all their behaviour is only an expression of what is going on in them, what is on their mind and needs an expression. So when these people say something about you or behave in an unpleasant manner vis a vis yourself, what they are actually doing is giving away information about themselves. If they judge you e.g. by calling you lazy, you get to know that laziness is something that bugs them, probably about themselves. If they try and push you aside at work, you get to know that they might be afraid of you, that they might feel insecure and worry they might not succeed otherwise. If someone snaps at you without much of a reason, you get to know that they might be very stressed or have been snapped at themselves….maybe by their partner….

Once you realize that other people’s comments or behaviour are nothing personal but simply information about them, then you can relax. You can even become curious and maybe even feel sorry for their situation or behaviour. The main thing: you are free.

So next time you feel the rising anger or hurt because of someone else’s comments, tell yourself “It’s not about me !” and become curious instead “I wonder what is going on with that person ?”

Try this for the entire next week and see what difference it makes !

1. Change is going to happen

2. You can choose to try to fight it or adapt – or even better: be pro-active and create the change YOUR way !

3. Although you can’t stop things from changing, you can control how you respond/react to them

4. Everyone reacts to change differently

5. Often when a door closes, a new, “better” one opens – but you need to choose to see it !

Yesterday, I experienced a real life example of these principles. Listen to this:

I could not believe what I saw in the letter, but indeed, our landlord was telling us with 6 month’s notice that he was not going to renew the tenancy agreement for our villa beyond December. He was going to demolish our entire compound of 10 villas built only 4 years ago ! If you know Dubai, you know that it has become common practise to “re-develop” plots to increase the profits. It is also a way to kick-out tenants with the view to charge new tenants a multiple of the previously charged rent (rent increases to existing tenants are limited to 7% p.a.).
When we rented the villa 4 years ago, the rent was at the top end of the market, but with rents rising 30% p.a., I knew that villas like ours where now being let at double the price we were paying. Finding an affordable villa that was still near my daughter’s school (traffic in Dubai is terrible) could have become a nightmare for us … but instead, after the initial surprise about the notice, I just couldn’t help but smile….

We had spend the past 6 months trying to work out how we really wanted life to be for us, where we really wanted to live ourselves, where we would be able to do the things that deep inside us mattered most to us and had meaning and ….where we really wanted our daughter to grow up. And the result was, that we took the decision to move, move away from the stress, the city life and lack of nature in Dubai ! Yes, we had decided months ago to not only move locations but also scale down and simplify our life so that we could do more of the things that mattered to us, be the type of wife/husband, mother/father, friend/colleague etc we really wanted to be and create those events and experiences that we would be proud of in old age.

Yes, we were going to leave anyway !

I felt so relieved, and so happy. The little voices in our heads had surely tried to convince us to keep things as they were “Why bother changing ? It is so much work. Just stay and enjoy life. You have it good, don’t be ungrateful for what you have…” The little voices were trying to convince us to just stay one more year, earn some more money, just keep going one more year. But we had finally chosen not to listen to them and go anyway. We committed ourselves to a new place in beautiful nature, where we would be able to spend more time with each other and live on a lower budget. And it felt so right.

I was so glad that we had not waited for things around us to change, holding on to the hope that what we liked about Dubai would stay the same… I suddenly felt (rather than just knew) what it meant to be in control of your life …rather than being controlled by life’s events. We had created our own change, the change we really wanted, the change that was surely hard work, too, but had a clear direction for us and hence felt wonderful !

And the best of it all….I know how to repeat this !
If you spend the time to figure out what really matters to you, clarify your values and those of the loved one’s around you, you have a guiding light for your path ahead. You can initiate the change that is needed to make you live more aligned with what matters to you, to have more integrity. This is a choice and you have to be pro-active. But as a result, you will change your life – rather than your life changing you.

“Two men were working together on a building site. When lunchtime came, they sat down at the side of the road, and opened their respective lunchboxes. The first man, on looking into the box, rubbed his hands together gleefully and said, ‘Great! I’m starved. Chicken, cheese and tuna sandwiches, crisps, a nice piece of fruit…’
The second man looked at the contents of his box and sighed heavily. “Oh no, not ham again ! I can’t believe it. That’s the third time this week I’ve had ham sandwiches. I ‘m getting sick and tired of seeing ham.’
‘Come on, cheer up,’ soothed his mate. ‘Look, if you’re so sick of ham sandwiches, why don’t you just ask your wife to use something else ?’
His mate looked puzzled. ‘What are you talking about ?’ he said. ‘I don’t have a wife; I make my own sandwiches.’”

Have you caught yourself complaining about your situation ? Are you dreaming about better times but feel it is unattainable ? Stop right there. Let’s play. What if the only obstacle in the way to your dreams and your happiness were YOU ? Really, don’t say no no no. Consider this for a moment. Pretend it ! Just for the fun of it.

Who is in charge of your life ? Who would you like to be in charge ? What would it take ? What is the worst case that could happen ? Imagine it…. What would you gain and what would you lose ? Looking back from 20 years into the future, what would you want to see ?

If you want things to change, be bold ! Change them, don’t let them change YOU !

Last night, my friend called me from a business trip and told me visibly shocked that he had been to the gym of the hotel he was staying in and weighed himself on the scales they had in the changing room. What he saw on the scales had kept him stressed and tense all evening: the scales had shown 208 pounds. He told me that he had no clue that he would be weighing that much and that he needed to seriously change his eating habits and double his exercise times. He finally asked me “Do I look fat ?”

I told him “not at all”. In fact, I had thought lately, that he looked very fit and muscular. Then I asked him the key question “What matters about how much you weigh ?”. He took a long time to think. Then I asked him “You look great. So, who cares how much you weigh ?” “Why do you choose to use weight as the measurement for how you look ?” He was baffled. And then I could hear the relief in his voice. “You are right”, he said. “Amazing, you kind off automatically think you need to care about weight, when really, how I look is what I care about.”

Needless to say, he chose a different measure from last night onwards and felt sooo much better for it.

Where are you accepting to measure your progress, your success or your looks by the “standard” way of doing it ? Would there be a more accurate way of measuring what really matters to YOU ?

CHOICE #5: Don’t compare yourself to others people – set your own goals and standards.

Do you know the saying “A happy man is one who earns $100 more than his wife’s sister’s husband.” From childhood we have learned to measure our success by comparing ourselves to what others achieve. As a result, we never reach the point where we can finally relax. Remember the rat racer doesn’t enjoy the journey but hopes for happiness at the end, once he has achieved, accomplished …. With a whole society of rat racers, there is no time to ever relax or else “you fall behind”.
Your emotions are negatively impacted, too. When comparing yourself to others, you may feel resentment, jealousy, anger and unfairness. This is called relative deprivation and happens even to millionaires.

The solution is to consciously choose a different measurement system. Authentic happiness comes from setting yourself higher goals or standards, not from comparing yourself with others. Most people live as if there was some kind of finish line and panel of judges at the end of our lives, counting the awards, titles, wealth amassed and awarding us prizes for it. Sadly, most people only realize too late, that there is no such thing. When you come to the finish line of your life, nobody cares what you have accumulated in money, titles or awards. You are your own judge !

So the only way to enjoy your life is to become clear NOW what sort of life you would like to have had and who you would like to be remembered as. Then live and judge yourselves according to your own unique plan.
A happy life is one created by you, a unique creation that cannot be copied from someone else’s recipe.

CHOICE #6: Step off the hedonic treadmill. Money (and stuff) can’t buy us happiness.

“Wealth is like health, its absence breeds misery, but having it doesn’t guarantee happiness. Everyone needs to cover basic needs. But once you attain that, happiness varies for everyone” as Maslow told us.

Research is proving that beyond covering basic needs like food and shelter, more wealth does not lead to more happiness. In fact some research (like the British one quoted in the introduction) has even shown a negative correlation. With wealth in Western countries having risen to its highest ever levels and happiness sunken to its lowest ever. Stress, depression and anxiety are increasing in the countries with the highest wealth levels.

The reason stuff (like cars, clothes, jewelry etc) and money does not make us happy in the long run is partly explained by hedonic adaptation. This means that we are very quick at taking our new position for granted, and then judging it as normal. As a result we don’t even notice the change anymore. Do you remember the last salary increase you got ? How long did it take for you to take it for granted and wanting something else ?

This doesn’t mean we should avoid money and material goods or that we can only have either wealth or happiness. It does, however, mean that we need to recognize happiness as the ultimate “currency” and start working on finding meaning and purpose in what we do. The value we gain in doing what we love will create money, and often even wealth, as a by-product.

CHOICE # 7: Keep learning and growing through action and allow yourself to fail !

Every child is born curious with an insatiable need for growth and learning. This is part of our nature as human beings. As young children we put into practice everything we learn, test it, fail and try again. In fact, we learn through action, through trying and playing.

As older children and adults we become concerned about failing, which stops us from trying and keeps us in the status quo. As we stay in our comfort zone over long periods of time, we begin to be bored with our life and start feeling stuck.

To become happy, we need to grow and there is no growth without action. Movement and growth are inseparable. It’s when you move out of your comfort zone that you grow. But what if you can’t decide between all the possible actions ? Toss a coin. It does not matter which action you take, you will learn from any action. To make this clear: ANY action is better then no action. But how do we get ourselves to act when we are so afraid of failure ?

To describe something as “failure” involves a judgement call. And a judgement requires a judge. Whose judgement are you accepting ? Who is your judge ? Often people find that they accept the judgement of their neighbours, their parents, their bosses without being conscious about it. Once they become conscious, they choose their own judge: the people they really care about or their own heart….

Let yourself be inspired by Alva Edison, the inventor. Edison had more than 900 failed experiments to invent the light bulb and upon being asked how he coped with so many failures he answered “Failure ? What failure ? I have learned 900 ways of how not to invent the light bulb”. It is all a matter of perspective (see choice #1). But something else is critical here: Edison focused on the learning in every “failure”. Every failure is just feedback about what works and doesn’t. It is a fantastic resource for deciding how to try differently next time. Choose to look at all your experiences (good or bad) as opportunities to learn something about yourself or the world around you and notice how much more you will enjoy your life.

CHOICE #8: Forgive

To create lasting happiness in your life, you need to let go of negative emotions about people. Holding on to negative emotions such as anger, envy or hurt creates more unhappiness for the holder of the emotions. Letting go of these emotions free us to move on with life. Again, easier said than done.

The first step is to realize that there is no value for yourself in holding on to your hurt. It is not moving you forwards but holding you back. The next step is to decide to let go of the matter. If you can’t simply let go choose to see the situation from the other person’s perspective to understand it better. Understanding helps forgiveness.

To do that, imagine you have a meeting with the person and silently tell him/her everything you need to say. Reproach, get angry, insult – whatever you feel needs to be said. Then pause. Take the other persons position – physically move to the spot you just talked to. Stand or sit like the other person would and really feel into him/her. Then have this person explain why he did what he did. Then go back to your own spot and receive the message. Play this role play a few times, then notice how your feelings to the subject have changed. You are now ready to forgive and pave your way to happiness.

CHOICE #9: Foster friendship and connections – help others

Researchers who studied people’s level of interest in and attention to strangers found that people who were sad spent 35 percent more time focusing on strangers who looked unhappy than on strangers who looked happy. So surround yourself with 5 happiest people you know. Send them an invitation today ! Happiness is contagious 

Ed Diener and Martin Seligman, two of the leading positive psychologists, studied “very happy people” and found that one of the key differences between happy and unhappy people was the presence of “rich and satisfying social relationships”.

Spending time with people we care about and who care about us provides meaning, safety and comfort. We want to be loved for who we really are, for our authentic self. Often people complain that they can’t find the people who love them unconditionally and truly care about them and that everybody is so self-absorbed. Don’t wait to be loved. Love. Choose to be different and start showing others how you care about them by doing something nice for them today. Expect nothing in return. Just keep doing it. You will see how the benefits will come back to you and you will have plenty of people who care for you.

CHOICE #10: Take responsibility for everything that happens to you.

It is so easy to blame outside factors or others for things that are not going well. It doesn’t make us happy though. Blaming takes our power away. By blaming others we are giving ourselves the “victim” status and get stuck because we are waiting for the other person to change or act. Being a victim and being stuck is not a position that makes us happy.

To claim your power, take responsibility for everything that happens. If people who work for you make mistakes, think about how you could have helped prevent that mistake. If your partner doesn’t come home in time, think about what you could do to make him/her want to come home earlier tomorrow. If your children are stressing you out, think about what you could do to make family life more fun. Be pro-active ! Take responsibility. It is much more fun than being stuck.

And don’t confuse taking responsibility with blaming yourself for everything. They are two different things: one lifts you up the other deflates you. So check in with your feelings. Taking responsibility makes you feel great !

Finally, I want to mention the more commonly known factors for more happiness: exercise moderately and regularly and ensure that you get between 6-8 hours of sleep. But the most powerful tip of them all: CHOOSE to be happy – now you know how to do it. And if you don’t, remember that that’s your choice, too !

• 50 % depends on genetics (inherited affective traits, temperament)
• 10% depends on circumstance (occupation, age, health, income, marital status etc)
• 40% depends on intentional activities (cognitive, behavioural or volitional activities we choose to do)

We obviously can’t change our genetics but we have control over both the circumstances as well as our intentional activities. Surprisingly, most people spent most of their efforts on changing circumstances to increase their happiness. They try to earn more money, find the right partner, move to new places or jobs. And while these changes can have am impact on short-term happiness, they often don’t last long and never feel enough. How many people do you know who are still truly happy months after they changed their circumstances ? In fact, studies on lottery winners have proven, that happiness levels return to previous levels as fast as 3 months after the win, some studies even show a negative long-term effect.

The 40 % of contribution which intentional activities make have so far been neglected. Yet, it is in this area where we are in control and free to choose. It is here where we need to spend our energy. Paul Jenner, author of “Teach Yourself Happiness” says “You have to decide to be happy” and he continues “Most Westerners think happiness is something that arrives by itself, like rain. But it isn’t. Barring seriously depressed people, most Westerners have plenty to be happy about, but they choose to focus on things they haven’t got. It really is that simple.”

Well, sounds simple, but isn’t. It requires commitment and work and sometimes un-learning of some good old habits (and who said that that was easy ?). You can really compare it with training a muscle you have so far neglected. It will feel hard at the beginning but you can count on the muscle getting stronger and stronger. So the question really boils down to how much effort are you willing to spend on becoming happy or how badly to you want happiness ? This article shares with you the top 10 choices you can make to create lasting happiness in your life. These are the ingredients for happiness, only you can bake the cake.

Choice # 1. Create a buffer between event/circumstance and your reaction to it.
Most people believe that our happiness depends on what happens to us or around us and feel powerless in the face of it. While we can influence some events and circumstances by being pro-active, there are others which are simply out of our control. Do we need to be victims to those ? While we can expect life to continue to throw events at us which we have no control over (good and bad), we do not need to be victims. Different to common opinion, it is not the event or circumstance that determines our feelings, it is our attitude, perspective and interpretation of it that determines our feelings. And we are free to choose how we see (perspective) or interpret an event. Let me tell you a short story:

An old man lived with his one son in a village when he inherited a large fortune from a distant relative and bought himself the most beautiful horse. The villagers all said “You are so lucky !” to which he answered “Maybe”. Shortly after the man’s only son took a ride and fell off the horse breaking his leg, now unable to help in the household. The villagers said “You are so unlucky !” and the man replied “Maybe”. Two days later, a war broke out and all young men had to go to war except the old man’s son and the villager enviously said “You are so lucky !” to which the man replied “Maybe”…..

You can choose how to judge an event that is out of your control depending on the context you see it in. Psychologists and life coaches use this concept frequently and call it Re-framing. To come up with a powerful re-frame ask “What is good about this (bad thing) ?” or “In which way is this an advantage ?” Happy people are experts at re-frames!

And while we might not always be able to prevent negative feelings towards an event, we can lower the degree of outside influences. The way to do that is to decide NOT to react immediately, instead to pause and detach yourself for a while, then look at the situation from a larger perspective, find a re-frame, identify your options and choose consciously how you respond.

Choice #2. Be clear about your dream or contribution to your environment, then set achievable goals and get moving towards it.
Very few people can articulate what they really want from their life or what they dream about for themselves. They are driven and pushed by those around them, their circumstances such as their jobs, their boss, their mother-in-law to name just a few. Others have big dreams but are waiting for the opportunity to make them happen, they are putting their dreams off until….(fill in the blank)… the house is paid off, the kids are in college, they find the career or a partner they love, their current misery ends, the venture capitalists discover their genius, their boss finally understands how brilliant they are…etc etc. People are living their lives while holding their breath. How can you be happy without breathing ?

Knowing what really matters to you, what you truly love doing and what difference you want to make to your personal environment (“your dream”) has proven to be highly fulfilling. Realizing your values by moving working on your dream engages you on a meaningful level. People are seldom happier than when they are in “flow” says psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. This is a state in which your mind becomes thoroughly absorbed in a meaningful task that challenges your abilities. It is an activity that completely absorbs you, where you feel most yourself and time seems to stand still. Sounds like happiness to you ?

Harvard research has shown that happiness comes from “knowing what you really want and knowing that you are moving towards it”.

The key is to spend time to discover one’s purpose or dream and then break it down into achievable milestones which will become your goals, then start acting. Time is the only limited resource in the world. You cannot make time and worse still, you have no idea of how much you have left. So invest your time wisely. Start understanding your values and what makes you tick then take courageous action at making it happen. So many people get bored with their lives. Choose to make yours exciting. You only have one shot at it !

Choice #3.Think about happiness as a process
We believe happiness comes from achieving results. But time and time again we notice that after achieving results there is a feeling of emptiness and a rush to move to the next achievement. We do not even allow us time to celebrate properly. While we achieve lots we hardly notice it, enjoy little and ultimately burn out.
Happiness is not so much a result as it is a process ! It stems from enjoying what you do when you do it, which links into the previous point on spending time on what it is you love doing.
To start enjoying the process of whatever you do, consciously use your senses to notice what is going on around you: focus on seeing the faces around you, hearing the voices around you, notice the smells and the textures your hands are feeling. Detach yourself from the result, after all you can use choice # 1 to handle and re-frame any outcome. It is a bonus if you reach the result you set out to reach, but it matters less than the activity itself.

Choice #4. Be grateful for what you have rather than what you don’t have and what you do well rather than what you (still) can’t do.
When did you last say “thank you” for all the many things you have and said “well done” for all the many strengths and skills you acquired in the last years ? If you are like most people, it was probably a long time ago. Instead we focus on what we don’t have yet and where we still need to improve. As a result our self-esteem and confidence gets a knock and we start to believe that we are “not good enough”. I assure you feeling “not good enough” is not a happy feeling. But the good news is: Focusing on what we don’t have and where we are not good enough is nothing but a habit ! And like with any (bad) habit, we can change it. It takes about 3 weeks of consistent practice to change any habit. Ready to start ?

Choose to change your focus onto the things you are already grateful for and the capabilities, skills and traits you are already strong in. Make a list of things and traits you are grateful for today ! Let your thoughts wonder from yourself, the people around you, your environment, your job/career, your finances, your personal growth to your leisure. You feel better instantly. And if you are like most people, you will be surprised how many things you come up with. Don’t stop writing until you have filled an entire page. Then looking over it, how do you feel ?

Liz Hogard says “People divide into two categories: the maximizers and the satisfiers. The maximizer insists on looking at all the alternatives when out shopping before deciding what to buy. The satisfier, on the other hand, says: That’s good enough, that’ll do me. The maximizer is doomed to misery in the modern world, because there is so much choice.” Can you see how the maximizer always focuses on what he/she might still be missing, rather than being grateful for what he/she already has ?
So many people focus on the 20% they have not done, the extra they are not capable off without seeing the beautiful 80% they already hold in their hands.

Finally, pay attention to you language, do you point out to others (e.g. like your children) where they are not yet good enough, or where there already doing well ? For a whole week, just pay attention. And most importantly, how do you talk to yourself. I mean that voice in our heads that we all have. Don’t accept it pointing out what you don’t have in things, skills or character. Tell yourself what you already have and are already grateful for. It is just a change in what you put your attention on and the impact on your happiness will be astonishing !

Choices 5-10 to follow in “10 Choices for Lasting Happiness – Part 2″ !

So is wealth measured in money or abundance in all areas of life ? The advertising of a financial service organization a friend showed me recently, really spoke to me when it said: “Wealth is not measured in millions, it is measured in a feeling called freedom.” What I like about this definition is that it puts money in its place as a means to an end rather than an end in itself. So is it the feeling of freedom, that defines our wealth ? I think there is some truth in this.

When you have enough money to cover your basic necessities (what that is exactly is entirely different topic), you are free ! You are free to choose how you want to live, which experiences you want to have in your life, whether you want to follow what your environment expects of you (e.g. making more money and upgrading your house, your car, your branded clothes and your private banker) or whether you want to follow your heart (and maybe have money come in as a side product). Of course, every choice you make automatically means a choice against something else, so it requires courage to stand up for one’s choice. But choice you have. Choice is freedom.

You may have sensed it by now, there is something intensely subjective here about the feeling of freedom. Some people have much much more money than covering “basic necessities” and still don’t feel free. They feel slaves to their possessions and commitments. Others have very little and feel free. Who is wealthier ?

If some people manage to (and hence it is possible to !) really feel free with just covering the basic necessities and if feeling free means wealth, shouldn’t we all work on reducing what we define are our “basic necessities” in order to get to wealth faster ? Studies show that the opposite is happening. When a television set or a car was not defined as being “basic necessity” decades ago, several TV’s and cars are now seen as basic necessity my many. Yet, studies also show that despite increased numbers of luxuries available to households in the developed world, happiness has not increased. So is it time for a paradigm shift ? Wealthy with less rather than more …?

I would like to offer another different view on wealth and this is my absolute favourite. The wealth of a person is the sum of that person’s experiences. I love this definition because in difference to money, experience is the only thing nobody can ever take away from you. The more of them you have and the more diverse they are, the more you learn, develop and grow as a person and that truly must mean being wealthy. People worry a lot about money, the money they don’t have but also the money they have: they worry about losing it, protecting it, insuring it, investing it safely. People worry about money being taken away from them again. Money (beyond basics necessities) does not make you free, it builds you a golden cage of responsibilities. Experience can’t be taken away. Once you’ve got it, you have it FOREVER ! It is forever yours. And the more you have, the richer you become. Accumulating experiences (rather than money) makes you free: free of worry (there is nothing to lose) and makes you rich as an individual. The saying “a wealth of experience” hasn’t been invented for nothing.

I could not remember anymore what I used to do in my house, my office. I asked myself “what where my routines my habits ?”…. STOP ! Breathe, think. Don’t remember the old routines, old habits, old ways of living, thinking… This is plain delicious opportunity to establish new habits, new routines that suit me better, fit better with my values, my priorities and life purpose. I got all excited and started journaling how I would like my new life to be. And so before I could even remember the old ones, I got clear about how I wanted it to be from now on. Isn’t that a great opportunity ?

I have to say that the traditional recreational benefits of vacation are well known (and felt) and need no further exploration here but I discovered another benefit of vacation this summer: the power of discovering new perspectives through new location. During my 5 week absence in Europe, I changed location about 7 times: a team coaching training in London, stays with the family on 2 different occasions , 2 different stays with friends, family holiday on a pony farm and a city break to Munich (yes, you are right, this is a bit mad but hold your judgement !).

During the whole time I carried a few big life questions with me (metaphorically speaking , one of which I had already been pondering on for quite a while back in Dubai. Everytime I changed location (and that included changing weather !, landscape, people around me, sleeping arrangements etc etc) I came up with new thoughts on the old topic. You need to know that I journal every day, so I consciously spend time on the big questions in my life. It was really astonishing how different I felt about the same question depending on where I was. I started tracking my thought process and at the end of the vacation I realized, that – without planning it – I had done what we coaches call perspective work: finding new possibilities by trying out several new perspectives on one and the same topic.

Instead of doing this just as an intellectual exercise, I had done it physically moving my whole self around from location to location. At the end of the process you get to choose which perspective feels most resourceful and resonant and from that one you work out possibilities for your big question. I must say, I am overwhelmed as I have found my answer to MY big question and it is a big scary and risky decision I took, and I am proud of it. On hindsight, I realize how much the location changes and the different perspectives have helped me (and of course the daily time I spent thinking) to not just THINK about different ways of looking at my issue but to really feel into each new perspective and “really TRYING IT ON to see whether it fits”.