This country is Bhutan, a landlocked country in South Asia, located at the eastern end of the Himalaya Mountains and bordering on India and Tibet.

A british study done by researchers at the university of Leicester in 2006 has mapped the world for happiness (the World Map of Happiness) and came to the conclusion that Bhutan is the happiest nation in Asia (and 8th happiest in the world).

The term Gross National Happiness (GNH) was coined in 1972 by the former King of Bhutan who wanted to help Bhutan enter the age of modernization by focusing more on positive contributions to well-being rather than the traditional concept of economic growth with its known cost on the environment and the increasing loss of meaning for the individual.

Grounded in Buddhist ideals, the GNH concept suggests that development of human society takes place when material and spiritual development occur side by side to complement and reinforce each other, providing meaning and growth for people.

The four pillars of GNH are the promotion of sustainable development, preservation and promotion of cultural values/integrity, conservation of the natural environment and establishment of good governance.

Maybe there is something we can learn from Bhutan ! According to a BBC survey 81% of Britain’s population would rather the government make them happier than richer.

What do we do with the riches anyway if they don’t make us happy, right ? There are plenty of studies by now which show that beyond covering the basics (a shelter, clothes to cover our body and enough food to survive) more money does not make us happier. So why do we – and more importantly our governments – still strive to become wealthier in monetary terms, using GDP as a measurement of our progress ?

Harvard Professor Tal Ben Shahar coined the phrase: “Happiness is the new currency”.  Indeed, isn’t happiness the ultimate currency ? Isn’t the really wealthy person the one who has the most happiness regardless of whether his is rich or poor in our modern definitions ?

Why don’t we bypass the money part and jump straight to our end end goal: greater well-being for all of us.

There are now validated measurement systems to measure this seemingly elusive concept of happiness, so we no longer need to worry about not being able to quantify our progress.

I would love to hear your thoughts !

This second answer had no more appeal to me than the first one; firstly because I could neither make it with my craft materials, nor could I buy it in the shops and secondly because it seemed equally non-inspirational.

Health ? As a child we take it for granted. As a young adult we start to realize how its absence can have devastating effects in the middle of an important project at work … so we get annoyed when we fall ill…. curse our illness as if it’s  nothing but an unexpected obstacle on our path.

With more and more life experience and a few more serious health crisis’ under our belt be become more respectful towards this secret language of our body.  Those fortunate enough to have become more aware, realize that the body “talks” to us through pain and other bodily symptoms. We begin to listen. This is a breakthrough. We still get our body’s messages wrong from time to time as we are perfecting our communication with each other but we are improving.

Finally, we develop a whole new relationship and we realize this body of mine is on my side. It’s not there to stop me or hold me back from my important projects. It’s there to support me, to keep me going in the long run to provide the right environment for my mind and my ideas to flourish – it’s my friend !

Through a headache it warns me that I am taking on too much today, that I should rest. Through a flu it tells me to drop it all and THINK before I pick up the many pieces again. Maybe a few pieces don’t deserve my attention anymore, maybe I am stressing about things that are not worth it when I take the time to step back and see the big picture.

Life threatening illness can alert us to much more. They shake up your life entirely. They put your life as it used to be to such an abrupt and brutal hold that your head gets knocked against the wall before you can even begin to think again.

Those lucky enough to get through it (and I will ever be grateful to have been one of them and be able to be around for my little daughter) will feel like they start a new life.  Nothing will be like before. What mattered so much before, is a small matter now. Suddenly, things become so much clearer. As if for a moment the clouds disappear and you see clearly into the blue sky: you understand the few things that truly matter to you, and they are so different from what you put most of your energy to before….

Health is now everything. It’s safety. As long as we are healthy, we can think new solutions, create new paths for us and our families and get back on our feet regardless what life throws at us.

Life can take away our job, our house, our car, our little treats and luxuries… but it can’t take away our opinions, our thoughts and ideas, our experiences, capabilities and beliefs.

As long as we are healthy we can use these latter ones to build up the first one’s again.

Health is everything.

It’s not just important.  It’s your safety net.  It’s your friend.

Make it your best friend !

Do you belong to those who have given up setting New Year’s Resolutions because you came to the conclusion that they don’t work for you ? Then you have come to the right place.

Most NY Resolutions fail for 3 reasons:

1. Your resolution is actually a favour to someone else and YOU don’t REALLY want the result (e.g. I’ll be nicer to my nagging mother-in-law). After the first 3 weeks you are back to believing that that mother-in-law actually deserves a kick up the backside.

2. You haven’t made is strong, it’s way too vague and non-specific (e.g. I’ll exercise more and eat more healthy – that resolution is achieved after one extra apple and taking the stairs instead of the lift once, but is that what you meant ? ).  Often people set negatively phrased NY Resolutions (e.g. I’ll no more alcohol during the week). Such resolutions are so uninspiring, that you are setting yourself up for disaster.  What would you like to do instead ? Compare the previous resolution with this one: “Everytime I’ll feel like a drink during the week, I’ll make myself a yummy fruit cocktail and call my friend”.

Finally, most resolutions are phrased as “Have” or “Do” resolutions (e.g. I want to “have” more money or I will “do” more sports). The most powerful resolutions, however, have 3 parts: a “Be”, a “Do” and a “Have” part. To “have” more money, you need to commit to “doing” something more or different and “being” a different person, e.g. more courageous or more organized.

3. You aren’t prepared to work for it (e.g. I will lose 10 kg next year). If there is no real benefit to YOU of losing any weight, then why bother ? Doctor’s warnings etc are all nice and well, but you need to make it personally desirable to have a chance to succeed. Losing 10kg to prevent diseases feels rather tedious. Losing 10kg to be able to play football with your son again or to take part in those hiking excursions that sound like so much fun, is a completely different matter.

Not wanting to work for a resolution is actually a result of not really wanting the end result. I am dead certain, if you really really want something you will move the earth to get it.  So the secret is to put your goal in a way that makes it irresistibly attractive to YOU.

And then, there is commitment – deciding that you will simply do it, give it a full blown try despite your doubts and hesitations. Wrestling with your own inner voice is almost the hardest part but I will share some techniques with you below that get that inner voice to go on vacation.

So let’s dive into the

DEVELOP & GROW “New Year’s Resolutions That Work” Process (copyrighted – a proprietory process for your private use only – see below)

STEP 1: Set Your New Year’s Resolution

Whether you already thought of some resolutions or haven’t even started, your main aim now is to create some goals for the next 12 months which really get you excited. To help you with that, use the following exercise.

Journey Into The Future:

Close your eyes, breathe deeply and become conscious of your muscles. Start by concentrating on the muscles in your lower back. Every time you breathe out let the tension go and feel how your muscles become more relaxed. Move your consciousness to the muscles in your upper back and your shoulders, breathe away any tension there, then move on into your arms, hands and fingers. Travel up your neck and remove any tension here before you raise further to your jaw, face and scalp. Now do the same thing moving down and breathing away tension in your chest, stomach, pelvis, thighs and then calves and feet.

As you continue to breathe in and out, imagine yourself one year from now.

Think about what would make this coming year your best year ever ? What would not just make it good but exceptional and outstanding ?

Really think about what is truly important to YOU ! What would be a great place or situation to be in, in 12 months from now ? What would be a place or situation you would be proud to be in ?

In that place or situation: What do you notice …? What do you see around you ? Who do you see around you ?  What sort of things do these people say ? Which other sounds do you hear in that wonderful place one year from now ?

How does it feel in that space ? Really check in with yourself, what does it feel like in that beautiful place or situation 12 months from today ?

What’s the air like and the light ? What does it smell of ? Take in the whole atmosphere of you in 12 months from now and paint as colourful and vivid a picture in your mind as you can.

Once you have a detailed mental picture that feels fabulous to you, you can take a break.

Now go back to imagine that you are in this future situation or place, whatever it was that needed to change or be done to get there, has happened. Imagining that you are already 12 months into the future, you will look back at the past 12 months as from that future place they are already history. Imagine you HAVE made this year your best year ever ! WOW.  See yourself one year from now sitting in a comfy chair, satisfied and exhilarated reflecting back upon the past 12 months.

What kind of person were you in those 12 months ? How were you different than before ? How would those closest to you describe how you were in ? Listen to their words. How would other (less close) people describe you.

What changes did you make in the last 12 months ? What exactly did you do ? What did you achieve ? What was different ? What did you like best about it and what did you like least ? What did your partner say to the things you had changed or achieved in those 12 months ? Which other people made comments and which one’s ?

Now notice your breathing again, in and out. At the count of 3 you will be opening your eyes and come back feeling relaxed and refreshed but you will not talk for another 2 minutes. I am counting: 3, noticing the sounds around you, 2 stretching your arms and legs and 1, open your eyes and come back.

Take the sheet in front of you and write down the details of your journey into the future. A few questions are there to help you remember it. This is only for yourself and you will not need to share your notes with anyone.

Now take a few minutes to write down your thoughts:

JOURNEY INTO THE FUTURE

Now use the above notes to phrase an inspiring goal or resolution for the next 12 months. Be bold. For now, don’t worry about how you will achieve it, just make sure you are truly excited about it.

My New Years Resolution

This year I truly want to:________________________________________________

STEP 2: Boost Your New Year’s Resolutions Strength

Have a look at the statement you’ve just written and use the following strength boosters:

* Is the resolution mine ? Is it something that I truly want not something I should be wanting (or my my husband/wife/partner, my kids, my parents etc want) ? If necessary, rephrase it to something that YOU truly want and care about. Do it right now.

* Is it phrased in the positive (e.g. I will eat healthy food rather than I won’t eat chocolate anymore)  ? If not, turn it into a positive NOW.

*Does it make you enthusiastic and inspire you ? If not, rework it.

* Does it fit into your life and is it realistic, i.e. do you believe that you can do it ? Being able to fly without technical help wouldn’t be realistic. Change it to make it realistic (while keeping it exciting).

* Is is measurable ? Ask yourself how you would know that you have achieved your resolution ? What would be a tangible sign that you are there ? Make sure you include this in your resolution.

STEP 3: Complete Your New Year’s Resolution

Every goal and every resolution has 3 parts, a “Be”, a “Do” and a “Have” part. Usually we phrase our resolutions as either a “Be”, a “Do” or a “Have” resolution, e.g. “I want to have 5 more regular clients (“have”) or “I want to go to gym twice a week( “do”) ” or “I want to be a great friend who takes time and listens(“be”)”.

To succeed with your New Years Resolution you need to be aware of all 3 parts.  So go ahead and determine whether your resolution above is a “Be”, a “Do” or a “Have” resolution. Then write your resolution into the respective column. Now you are ready to find its two partners in the remaining column.

BE-DO-HAVE Table

STEP 3: Commit To Your New Year’s Resolution

Specifically commit to the “Be” (I am a sporty person) and “Do” (I exercise at least 3 times a week) parts of your resolution and the “Have” part (I will have a great body) will come automatically.

Now think about your resolution one last time and say YES to it in your mind. Write it into the YES column below. If you say wholeheartedly YES to your resolution, what will you have to NO to in order to be the person you want to be and do the things you want to achieve. Write the answers into the YES/NO table.

YES-NO Table

If you have trouble here are a few questions to help you:

So what’s at stake if you are who you want to be ? What it is at stake if you don’t ?

What’s at stake if you do what you want to do ? What happens if you don’t ?

Everything in your “NO” column is making space for your new resolution to come to life.

Find a partner and discuss your YES/NO table to complete it. What could throw you off track ? What else do you have to say yes/no to to reach your destination ?

Look over your yes/no table. This is your plan  ! How alive is the plan on a scale from 1-10 with 10 being thrillingly alive and 1 a dead fish.

If it is 8-10, discuss with your partner how you will celebrate.

If it is not 8-10. Think about why not ? What would have to change ?

STEP 4: Your Final New Year’s Resolution Statement

Writing your New Year’s Resolution down is a key ingredient for staying committed. If it’s not written down, we tend to change the wording in line with our action/non-action. “I will go to the gym 3 times a week” changes into “I will go to the gym at least once a week” etc.

So fill in the commitment statement below, date and sign it. Then write a second copy and put it in an envelope. Mark your address on it and give it to a friend to mail it to you in 6 weeks. Alternatively put the closed envelope in your calendar and only open it in 6 weeks.

I _____________ fully commit to saying YES to _____________________

and saying NO to _____________________________________________

My immediate action is _____________________________________. And I will do this by ___________________ .

I will make it happen !

_____________________

Signature and Date

Congratulations ! You have now made a commitment to yourself. Here are some further tips on how to keep it:

-         make an even more detailed plan (stay flexible as you go)

-         talk about it/ enroll others

-         hold yourself accountable by setting milestones and checking them

-         set up a system of reminders (e.g. wear your watch on the other hand)

-         hang up your resolution where you can see it regularly

-         acknowledge success and reward yourself / celebrate

-         find a partner and ask to hold each other accountable (set a date to check in on each other). Alternatively engage a good coach.

Good luck ! And a very happy next 12 months !

The Develop & Grow “New Year’s Resolutions That Work” Process is proprietory to www.developandgrow.com. You can use it privately. Any commercial use requires prior written consent by the owner of www.developandgrow.com.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” (attributed to Lao Tzu – founder of Taoism)

You have probably heard the saying before. Did you ever notice how powerful it is ?

I have met so many people and clients who feel disappointed for not starting or progressing their big projects and dreams. They often don’t know where to start and in view of the mountain of tasks ahead, they feel like giving up before they’ve really started. In this respect, we are all the same.

And yet, sometimes people achieve BIG things and you wonder how they do it, where they take the energy, time and stamina from. The answer is often so simple and even better: it is available to all of us not just a selected few. The answer is to take one little baby step at a time – and enjoy the process !

For this to work, you need to manage your expectations. Give yourself permission to take a couple of years to work on your BIG project. So what if it doesn’t happen next year. If you don’t even start it, it will never happen at all.

Then, break it down into pieces. What would you want to have achieved by the end of the first year ? If this still feels daunting, extend the total period further until your first year goal feels doable. Break your tasks down further to a monthly level/ ideally weekly.

Now think about what would be the very first baby step in the direction of your goal ? A phone call ? Surfing the net ? A few notes ?

Just focus on your first step and when that one is done, focus on the next one but only that one, don’t look ahead and get disheartened. The winners are the ones who just keep going: step by step. And they enjoy each step because their big goal is in line with something they are passionate about, so their little steps feel exciting, too – most of the time. The other times they just display perseverance in the sure knowledge that it will lead to the goal.

As Sir Edmund Hillary was saying. Ultimately, “It’s not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.”

]]> http://www.developandgrow.com/lifecoach/blog/even-the-longest-journey-begins-with-a-single-step/feed/ 0 http://www.developandgrow.com/lifecoach/blog/goals-are-not-enough/ http://www.developandgrow.com/lifecoach/blog/goals-are-not-enough/#comments Fri, 28 Nov 2008 13:46:48 +0000 Silke http://www.developandgrow.com/lifecoach/?p=108 Today I read an article by John Carlton titled “What Makes an Entrepreneur?” and I found it had a lot of great truths about what it takes to achieve your aims, how setting exciting goals is a great first step, but it is also only that: a great first step. Afterwards you MUST create movement, any movement getting you a little bit closer to your goal. And maybe even more importantly he recommends you look at “what will happen if you actually reach your goal, what then ?”. Thinking about this will take away the biggest fear of all. Believe it or not, the biggest fear of all is the fear of success !

Here is his article. Enjoy.

“A few weeks back, I visited my hometown to see my family. Dad still lives in the same house he bought just after WWII, and it’s hard for me not to feel like I’m 15 again when I’m there.

Not that I feel all young and vibrant. Naw. More like I get back in touch with how freakin’ clueless I was for the first half of my life.

It was a great childhood, a gruesome adolescence, and even now ghosts from my past haunt every corner of the neighborhood.

Always interesting/spooky/insightful to go back to old stomping grounds. I love my family. And I’m still chewing over how that town shaped who I am today. In fact, it got me pondering long and hard about what “makes” an entrepreneur.

A lot of people – including me – talk about the value of goals in launching any entrepreneurial venture. Figuring out what you truly want… setting a plan in motion to attain it… and following through.

There is, however, a difference between “understanding” goal-setting behavior… and actually DOING it.

So here is what I propose you do this coming weekend: Give yourself a brutal reality check.

Are you spending enough time figuring out what you really want to do when you grow up?

This is not a trick question. Most rookie goal-setters need to refine their skills at this over a frustrating period of time.

The first goals you set are likely to be things you actually don’t want, after all. There is an art to looking deep into your own heart and soul and coming to grips with what REALLY rocks your boat… and what will continue to make nice waves in your future.

It’s never enough to want to be “rich.” You must spend time thinking about what “rich” means to you. Not to your buddies or your colleagues or anyone else. You.

And if you decide you want to be filthy rich… well, you’ve got to do more than just set that as a goal. Ya gotta work out your plan to get there. With lots of little goals along the path.

If you’ve yet to make dime one online, for example, then a goal of becoming a billionaire online isn’t a goal… it’s a dream. You’ve got to earn your first buck. Then your second. And go on from there.

Your first goal may be to weed through all the info available out there… find the resources you feel you can trust… and dig in.

Those subsequent “dig in” steps – the actual goal-by-goal stepladder that will take you toward your desired destination – cannot be glossed over.

And there are consequences to consider. You may not yet know what awaits you as a cash-generating genius. But you sure can examine how your life starts to change as you go.

Every detail of your life can morph in strange ways when the money starts coming in. Your friends and family may wrestle (often unsuccessfully) with your rise in status, liquidity, and self-confidence.

It won’t always be pretty. But the more you “arm” yourself with insights like these, the less surprised you’ll be when you hit each milestone in your quest for a better life.

You’ll be… uh, what’s the word?… prepared.

Goals are great. But I’ve known too many people who ONLY set goals. They never go after them.

Movement is key. And you’ll feel better about moving toward your goals if you spend some serious time thinking about them.

Play with them. Mold them. Constantly put them through your “What if?” grinder. (What if you can’t do it with your first idea? Will you try again? Try something else? What?)

The “secret ingredient” of great goal setting is to cogitate obsessively on the consequences of actually meeting each goal once you set it. This not only helps you blow through failure… it also creates a “vision” of yourself that keeps your motivation hot.

This requires “forward thinking”… which doesn’t come with the default equipment you’re born with. Ya gotta exercise it.

Without goals, you’re just being taken for a ride by Fate.

Goals do not guarantee anything… except, once you take steps to attain them, you will move SOMEWHERE new in life. And you’ll be doing as much of the driving as possible.

Fate will still screw with you. But you’ll no longer be helpless.

At first, even five minutes of focused “forward thinking” will make you sweat and want to go do something else.

Get over it. Stick with it. Soon, you’ll be an ace at peering into the fog down the line, and you’ll be able to exert more control over events than you ever dreamed possible in your pre-goal-setting days.

This weekend, get your five minutes in. Move through the sweat and avoidance.
Jumpstart something new.

This article is about putting you back in the driver’s seat and helping you find the courage to set goals SUCH that you are garantueed to achieve them. Following the below Questions to Achievable Outcomes or goals (drawn from NLP – Neuro Linguistic Programming) will be a sure way to state your goals such that you can achieve them easily. As a result, you will feel good about yourself, your self esteem will raise. No more disappointements.

Believe it or not, your ability to achieve a goal depends more on the way you state your goal then on the content of your goal ! Yes ! Read this again. The power lies in the way you set your goals. So here is the process for Goal Setting for Success:

1. What is your goal, aim or objective ?
Write down whatever it is you want or desire. For now, this will look pretty much like the previous goals you may have set in the past.

2. What specifically do you want (rather than what you don’t want !) ?
State your goal in the positive ! “I want to have a size 10″ rather than “I want to stop eating chocolate”. This is absolutely critical ! Our brain cannot process the negation, with a goal stated in the negative you essentially focus your attention on more of the negative.

Now think about how you can make your statement more specific. Rather than “I want to make more or a lot of money” specify exactly what you want, e.g. “I want to earn x000 per month after tax by day xy”. Don’t forget to think about the when: by when would you like to achieve it ?

Make sure your goal is achievable in principal by you. “Becoming a CEO is achievable in principal – even if you are at the bottom of the hierarchy”, “Flying through the air like a bird” is NOT achievable.

Don’t get afraid about being specific ! Many people like to keep their goals vague in order to keep some room for interpretation when it comes to judgement day. Trust me, keeping your goal vague is worse than not having one at all.

3. Where are you now in relation to the outcome ?
Think about your goal achievement like a journey. What is your departure point ? What is it like there ?

4. Imagine the Outcome: what will you see, hear, feel etc. when you have achieved your goal ?
Close your eyes and paint a picture in your mind about what it will be like when you have achieved your goal. What will you see ? Who will you see around you ? Where are you ? What do you see in these people’s faces ? What do you hear ? What is being said ? What smells do you notice ? Any tastes that matter when you have achieved your goal ? How do you feel inside ? What do you feel around you (on your face, body etc) ?
Once you have a full picture with all your senses, imagine it was a picture or movie on television. Play around with its brightness, its colours, the size of the picture/movie, the volume to make it as inspiring and exciting as possible. Make a mental note of this picture/movie. You could also draw a picture or make a collage of it. Other people prefer to write down everything they saw in their mental image.

5. Evidence: How will you know when you have achieved your goal/outcome ?
Think about what signals or signs would tell you that you have actually achieved your outcome. What would be evidence or proof ? You really want to come up with something that is clearly there or not there at the specified time.

6. Congruence: What will this goal get for you or allow you to do ?
Have a think about what makes your goal important for you. What is it exactly, that you get out of achieving your goal ? And what is important about that ? Is that worth it ? If your answer to the last question is yes, you have a congruent goal.

7. Is this goal something that benefits YOU ?
You should set goals that benefit you in some meaningful way (even if your goal is to improve your husband’s work life, or your children’s social life – there has to be something SIGNIFICANT in it for you, otherwise you won’t achieve it). What is the significant, meaningful benefit you get ?

8. What resources do you need and which resources do you have already ?
Think about what resources you will need to achieve your outcome. Just make a list. Then think about which one’s you already have. Have you ever had or done this before ? Do you know anyone who has ? Can you act as if you’ve already achieved this ?

9. Ecological goal: What will gain and what will you lose if you achieve your goal ?
Here you want to look at the impact of your goal achievement on your others around you and the community or even the planet as a whole. How does it affect your partner, your family, your community, your country etc ? If it has a positive impact you are more likely to achieve it.

Finally ask yourself the following questions (the last one requires a bit of brain twisting but it works :
- What will happen when I get it ?
- What won’t happen when I get it ?
- What will happen if I don’t get it ?
- What won’t happen if I don’t get it ?

10. Now act “as if” it is a done deal that you will achieve your goal (you have already painted the picture of what that will look and feel like). You have seen it in your mind, you will go there with your body !

Don’t get put off by the work of going through these 10 steps. They will save you loads of work and negative emotions later. Spending time on those 10 steps will be an investment you won’t regret.
This process has worked for many people before (including myself and my numerous clients), so why would you NOT choose to re-apply what they learned and use the process for your own “Goal Setting for Success” ?

Setting goals will become fun ! Enjoy achieving your goals !!!

Last night, my friend called me from a business trip and told me visibly shocked that he had been to the gym of the hotel he was staying in and weighed himself on the scales they had in the changing room. What he saw on the scales had kept him stressed and tense all evening: the scales had shown 208 pounds. He told me that he had no clue that he would be weighing that much and that he needed to seriously change his eating habits and double his exercise times. He finally asked me “Do I look fat ?”

I told him “not at all”. In fact, I had thought lately, that he looked very fit and muscular. Then I asked him the key question “What matters about how much you weigh ?”. He took a long time to think. Then I asked him “You look great. So, who cares how much you weigh ?” “Why do you choose to use weight as the measurement for how you look ?” He was baffled. And then I could hear the relief in his voice. “You are right”, he said. “Amazing, you kind off automatically think you need to care about weight, when really, how I look is what I care about.”

Needless to say, he chose a different measure from last night onwards and felt sooo much better for it.

Where are you accepting to measure your progress, your success or your looks by the “standard” way of doing it ? Would there be a more accurate way of measuring what really matters to YOU ?

CHOICE #5: Don’t compare yourself to others people – set your own goals and standards.

Do you know the saying “A happy man is one who earns $100 more than his wife’s sister’s husband.” From childhood we have learned to measure our success by comparing ourselves to what others achieve. As a result, we never reach the point where we can finally relax. Remember the rat racer doesn’t enjoy the journey but hopes for happiness at the end, once he has achieved, accomplished …. With a whole society of rat racers, there is no time to ever relax or else “you fall behind”.
Your emotions are negatively impacted, too. When comparing yourself to others, you may feel resentment, jealousy, anger and unfairness. This is called relative deprivation and happens even to millionaires.

The solution is to consciously choose a different measurement system. Authentic happiness comes from setting yourself higher goals or standards, not from comparing yourself with others. Most people live as if there was some kind of finish line and panel of judges at the end of our lives, counting the awards, titles, wealth amassed and awarding us prizes for it. Sadly, most people only realize too late, that there is no such thing. When you come to the finish line of your life, nobody cares what you have accumulated in money, titles or awards. You are your own judge !

So the only way to enjoy your life is to become clear NOW what sort of life you would like to have had and who you would like to be remembered as. Then live and judge yourselves according to your own unique plan.
A happy life is one created by you, a unique creation that cannot be copied from someone else’s recipe.

CHOICE #6: Step off the hedonic treadmill. Money (and stuff) can’t buy us happiness.

“Wealth is like health, its absence breeds misery, but having it doesn’t guarantee happiness. Everyone needs to cover basic needs. But once you attain that, happiness varies for everyone” as Maslow told us.

Research is proving that beyond covering basic needs like food and shelter, more wealth does not lead to more happiness. In fact some research (like the British one quoted in the introduction) has even shown a negative correlation. With wealth in Western countries having risen to its highest ever levels and happiness sunken to its lowest ever. Stress, depression and anxiety are increasing in the countries with the highest wealth levels.

The reason stuff (like cars, clothes, jewelry etc) and money does not make us happy in the long run is partly explained by hedonic adaptation. This means that we are very quick at taking our new position for granted, and then judging it as normal. As a result we don’t even notice the change anymore. Do you remember the last salary increase you got ? How long did it take for you to take it for granted and wanting something else ?

This doesn’t mean we should avoid money and material goods or that we can only have either wealth or happiness. It does, however, mean that we need to recognize happiness as the ultimate “currency” and start working on finding meaning and purpose in what we do. The value we gain in doing what we love will create money, and often even wealth, as a by-product.

CHOICE # 7: Keep learning and growing through action and allow yourself to fail !

Every child is born curious with an insatiable need for growth and learning. This is part of our nature as human beings. As young children we put into practice everything we learn, test it, fail and try again. In fact, we learn through action, through trying and playing.

As older children and adults we become concerned about failing, which stops us from trying and keeps us in the status quo. As we stay in our comfort zone over long periods of time, we begin to be bored with our life and start feeling stuck.

To become happy, we need to grow and there is no growth without action. Movement and growth are inseparable. It’s when you move out of your comfort zone that you grow. But what if you can’t decide between all the possible actions ? Toss a coin. It does not matter which action you take, you will learn from any action. To make this clear: ANY action is better then no action. But how do we get ourselves to act when we are so afraid of failure ?

To describe something as “failure” involves a judgement call. And a judgement requires a judge. Whose judgement are you accepting ? Who is your judge ? Often people find that they accept the judgement of their neighbours, their parents, their bosses without being conscious about it. Once they become conscious, they choose their own judge: the people they really care about or their own heart….

Let yourself be inspired by Alva Edison, the inventor. Edison had more than 900 failed experiments to invent the light bulb and upon being asked how he coped with so many failures he answered “Failure ? What failure ? I have learned 900 ways of how not to invent the light bulb”. It is all a matter of perspective (see choice #1). But something else is critical here: Edison focused on the learning in every “failure”. Every failure is just feedback about what works and doesn’t. It is a fantastic resource for deciding how to try differently next time. Choose to look at all your experiences (good or bad) as opportunities to learn something about yourself or the world around you and notice how much more you will enjoy your life.

CHOICE #8: Forgive

To create lasting happiness in your life, you need to let go of negative emotions about people. Holding on to negative emotions such as anger, envy or hurt creates more unhappiness for the holder of the emotions. Letting go of these emotions free us to move on with life. Again, easier said than done.

The first step is to realize that there is no value for yourself in holding on to your hurt. It is not moving you forwards but holding you back. The next step is to decide to let go of the matter. If you can’t simply let go choose to see the situation from the other person’s perspective to understand it better. Understanding helps forgiveness.

To do that, imagine you have a meeting with the person and silently tell him/her everything you need to say. Reproach, get angry, insult – whatever you feel needs to be said. Then pause. Take the other persons position – physically move to the spot you just talked to. Stand or sit like the other person would and really feel into him/her. Then have this person explain why he did what he did. Then go back to your own spot and receive the message. Play this role play a few times, then notice how your feelings to the subject have changed. You are now ready to forgive and pave your way to happiness.

CHOICE #9: Foster friendship and connections – help others

Researchers who studied people’s level of interest in and attention to strangers found that people who were sad spent 35 percent more time focusing on strangers who looked unhappy than on strangers who looked happy. So surround yourself with 5 happiest people you know. Send them an invitation today ! Happiness is contagious 

Ed Diener and Martin Seligman, two of the leading positive psychologists, studied “very happy people” and found that one of the key differences between happy and unhappy people was the presence of “rich and satisfying social relationships”.

Spending time with people we care about and who care about us provides meaning, safety and comfort. We want to be loved for who we really are, for our authentic self. Often people complain that they can’t find the people who love them unconditionally and truly care about them and that everybody is so self-absorbed. Don’t wait to be loved. Love. Choose to be different and start showing others how you care about them by doing something nice for them today. Expect nothing in return. Just keep doing it. You will see how the benefits will come back to you and you will have plenty of people who care for you.

CHOICE #10: Take responsibility for everything that happens to you.

It is so easy to blame outside factors or others for things that are not going well. It doesn’t make us happy though. Blaming takes our power away. By blaming others we are giving ourselves the “victim” status and get stuck because we are waiting for the other person to change or act. Being a victim and being stuck is not a position that makes us happy.

To claim your power, take responsibility for everything that happens. If people who work for you make mistakes, think about how you could have helped prevent that mistake. If your partner doesn’t come home in time, think about what you could do to make him/her want to come home earlier tomorrow. If your children are stressing you out, think about what you could do to make family life more fun. Be pro-active ! Take responsibility. It is much more fun than being stuck.

And don’t confuse taking responsibility with blaming yourself for everything. They are two different things: one lifts you up the other deflates you. So check in with your feelings. Taking responsibility makes you feel great !

Finally, I want to mention the more commonly known factors for more happiness: exercise moderately and regularly and ensure that you get between 6-8 hours of sleep. But the most powerful tip of them all: CHOOSE to be happy – now you know how to do it. And if you don’t, remember that that’s your choice, too !

This is a great time to STOP and reflect upon an few questions:

- Where is your life like the rat racer’s ?
- Where are you racing to ?
- What is the impact of the rat race on who you are ?
- What do you want from your life right now ? And who is stopping you ?

Often, we are so busy racing, that we do not even have the time to stop and think ! Yet, the truth is that we gain time by stopping our busyness, by taking a look at the bigger picture of our lives, by finding out what really matters and then focusing and prioritizing on those few big things.

Why are you hurrying ?
What would happen if you didn’t ? Come on, really, what is at stake if you slowed things down ? Might you have more fun ?

Here is a touching song a friend of mine sent me:

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why

Don’t know why I have to drive so fast
My car has nothing to prove
It’s not new
But it’ll do zero to sixty in five point two

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why

Can’t be late, I leave in plenty of time
Shakin’ hands with the clock
I can’t stop
I’m on a roll and I’m ready to rock

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why

Oh, I hear a voice
That says I’m running behind
Better pick up my pace
It’s a race and there ain’t no room for someone in second place

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why

• 50 % depends on genetics (inherited affective traits, temperament)
• 10% depends on circumstance (occupation, age, health, income, marital status etc)
• 40% depends on intentional activities (cognitive, behavioural or volitional activities we choose to do)

We obviously can’t change our genetics but we have control over both the circumstances as well as our intentional activities. Surprisingly, most people spent most of their efforts on changing circumstances to increase their happiness. They try to earn more money, find the right partner, move to new places or jobs. And while these changes can have am impact on short-term happiness, they often don’t last long and never feel enough. How many people do you know who are still truly happy months after they changed their circumstances ? In fact, studies on lottery winners have proven, that happiness levels return to previous levels as fast as 3 months after the win, some studies even show a negative long-term effect.

The 40 % of contribution which intentional activities make have so far been neglected. Yet, it is in this area where we are in control and free to choose. It is here where we need to spend our energy. Paul Jenner, author of “Teach Yourself Happiness” says “You have to decide to be happy” and he continues “Most Westerners think happiness is something that arrives by itself, like rain. But it isn’t. Barring seriously depressed people, most Westerners have plenty to be happy about, but they choose to focus on things they haven’t got. It really is that simple.”

Well, sounds simple, but isn’t. It requires commitment and work and sometimes un-learning of some good old habits (and who said that that was easy ?). You can really compare it with training a muscle you have so far neglected. It will feel hard at the beginning but you can count on the muscle getting stronger and stronger. So the question really boils down to how much effort are you willing to spend on becoming happy or how badly to you want happiness ? This article shares with you the top 10 choices you can make to create lasting happiness in your life. These are the ingredients for happiness, only you can bake the cake.

Choice # 1. Create a buffer between event/circumstance and your reaction to it.
Most people believe that our happiness depends on what happens to us or around us and feel powerless in the face of it. While we can influence some events and circumstances by being pro-active, there are others which are simply out of our control. Do we need to be victims to those ? While we can expect life to continue to throw events at us which we have no control over (good and bad), we do not need to be victims. Different to common opinion, it is not the event or circumstance that determines our feelings, it is our attitude, perspective and interpretation of it that determines our feelings. And we are free to choose how we see (perspective) or interpret an event. Let me tell you a short story:

An old man lived with his one son in a village when he inherited a large fortune from a distant relative and bought himself the most beautiful horse. The villagers all said “You are so lucky !” to which he answered “Maybe”. Shortly after the man’s only son took a ride and fell off the horse breaking his leg, now unable to help in the household. The villagers said “You are so unlucky !” and the man replied “Maybe”. Two days later, a war broke out and all young men had to go to war except the old man’s son and the villager enviously said “You are so lucky !” to which the man replied “Maybe”…..

You can choose how to judge an event that is out of your control depending on the context you see it in. Psychologists and life coaches use this concept frequently and call it Re-framing. To come up with a powerful re-frame ask “What is good about this (bad thing) ?” or “In which way is this an advantage ?” Happy people are experts at re-frames!

And while we might not always be able to prevent negative feelings towards an event, we can lower the degree of outside influences. The way to do that is to decide NOT to react immediately, instead to pause and detach yourself for a while, then look at the situation from a larger perspective, find a re-frame, identify your options and choose consciously how you respond.

Choice #2. Be clear about your dream or contribution to your environment, then set achievable goals and get moving towards it.
Very few people can articulate what they really want from their life or what they dream about for themselves. They are driven and pushed by those around them, their circumstances such as their jobs, their boss, their mother-in-law to name just a few. Others have big dreams but are waiting for the opportunity to make them happen, they are putting their dreams off until….(fill in the blank)… the house is paid off, the kids are in college, they find the career or a partner they love, their current misery ends, the venture capitalists discover their genius, their boss finally understands how brilliant they are…etc etc. People are living their lives while holding their breath. How can you be happy without breathing ?

Knowing what really matters to you, what you truly love doing and what difference you want to make to your personal environment (“your dream”) has proven to be highly fulfilling. Realizing your values by moving working on your dream engages you on a meaningful level. People are seldom happier than when they are in “flow” says psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. This is a state in which your mind becomes thoroughly absorbed in a meaningful task that challenges your abilities. It is an activity that completely absorbs you, where you feel most yourself and time seems to stand still. Sounds like happiness to you ?

Harvard research has shown that happiness comes from “knowing what you really want and knowing that you are moving towards it”.

The key is to spend time to discover one’s purpose or dream and then break it down into achievable milestones which will become your goals, then start acting. Time is the only limited resource in the world. You cannot make time and worse still, you have no idea of how much you have left. So invest your time wisely. Start understanding your values and what makes you tick then take courageous action at making it happen. So many people get bored with their lives. Choose to make yours exciting. You only have one shot at it !

Choice #3.Think about happiness as a process
We believe happiness comes from achieving results. But time and time again we notice that after achieving results there is a feeling of emptiness and a rush to move to the next achievement. We do not even allow us time to celebrate properly. While we achieve lots we hardly notice it, enjoy little and ultimately burn out.
Happiness is not so much a result as it is a process ! It stems from enjoying what you do when you do it, which links into the previous point on spending time on what it is you love doing.
To start enjoying the process of whatever you do, consciously use your senses to notice what is going on around you: focus on seeing the faces around you, hearing the voices around you, notice the smells and the textures your hands are feeling. Detach yourself from the result, after all you can use choice # 1 to handle and re-frame any outcome. It is a bonus if you reach the result you set out to reach, but it matters less than the activity itself.

Choice #4. Be grateful for what you have rather than what you don’t have and what you do well rather than what you (still) can’t do.
When did you last say “thank you” for all the many things you have and said “well done” for all the many strengths and skills you acquired in the last years ? If you are like most people, it was probably a long time ago. Instead we focus on what we don’t have yet and where we still need to improve. As a result our self-esteem and confidence gets a knock and we start to believe that we are “not good enough”. I assure you feeling “not good enough” is not a happy feeling. But the good news is: Focusing on what we don’t have and where we are not good enough is nothing but a habit ! And like with any (bad) habit, we can change it. It takes about 3 weeks of consistent practice to change any habit. Ready to start ?

Choose to change your focus onto the things you are already grateful for and the capabilities, skills and traits you are already strong in. Make a list of things and traits you are grateful for today ! Let your thoughts wonder from yourself, the people around you, your environment, your job/career, your finances, your personal growth to your leisure. You feel better instantly. And if you are like most people, you will be surprised how many things you come up with. Don’t stop writing until you have filled an entire page. Then looking over it, how do you feel ?

Liz Hogard says “People divide into two categories: the maximizers and the satisfiers. The maximizer insists on looking at all the alternatives when out shopping before deciding what to buy. The satisfier, on the other hand, says: That’s good enough, that’ll do me. The maximizer is doomed to misery in the modern world, because there is so much choice.” Can you see how the maximizer always focuses on what he/she might still be missing, rather than being grateful for what he/she already has ?
So many people focus on the 20% they have not done, the extra they are not capable off without seeing the beautiful 80% they already hold in their hands.

Finally, pay attention to you language, do you point out to others (e.g. like your children) where they are not yet good enough, or where there already doing well ? For a whole week, just pay attention. And most importantly, how do you talk to yourself. I mean that voice in our heads that we all have. Don’t accept it pointing out what you don’t have in things, skills or character. Tell yourself what you already have and are already grateful for. It is just a change in what you put your attention on and the impact on your happiness will be astonishing !

Choices 5-10 to follow in “10 Choices for Lasting Happiness – Part 2″ !