10 Choices for Lasting Happiness - Part 2
In my previous article about Happiness (click here to see Part 1) we discussed the research and Choices 1-4 for lasting happiness. Now, we will be looking at choices 5-10. Enjoy !
CHOICE #5: Don’t compare yourself to others people – set your own goals and standards.
Do you know the saying “A happy man is one who earns $100 more than his wife’s sister’s husband.” From childhood we have learned to measure our success by comparing ourselves to what others achieve. As a result, we never reach the point where we can finally relax. Remember the rat racer doesn’t enjoy the journey but hopes for happiness at the end, once he has achieved, accomplished …. With a whole society of rat racers, there is no time to ever relax or else “you fall behind”.
Your emotions are negatively impacted, too. When comparing yourself to others, you may feel resentment, jealousy, anger and unfairness. This is called relative deprivation and happens even to millionaires.
The solution is to consciously choose a different measurement system. Authentic happiness comes from setting yourself higher goals or standards, not from comparing yourself with others. Most people live as if there was some kind of finish line and panel of judges at the end of our lives, counting the awards, titles, wealth amassed and awarding us prizes for it. Sadly, most people only realize too late, that there is no such thing. When you come to the finish line of your life, nobody cares what you have accumulated in money, titles or awards. You are your own judge !
So the only way to enjoy your life is to become clear NOW what sort of life you would like to have had and who you would like to be remembered as. Then live and judge yourselves according to your own unique plan.
A happy life is one created by you, a unique creation that cannot be copied from someone else’s recipe.
CHOICE #6: Step off the hedonic treadmill. Money (and stuff) can’t buy us happiness.
“Wealth is like health, its absence breeds misery, but having it doesn’t guarantee happiness. Everyone needs to cover basic needs. But once you attain that, happiness varies for everyone” as Maslow told us.
Research is proving that beyond covering basic needs like food and shelter, more wealth does not lead to more happiness. In fact some research (like the British one quoted in the introduction) has even shown a negative correlation. With wealth in Western countries having risen to its highest ever levels and happiness sunken to its lowest ever. Stress, depression and anxiety are increasing in the countries with the highest wealth levels.
The reason stuff (like cars, clothes, jewelry etc) and money does not make us happy in the long run is partly explained by hedonic adaptation. This means that we are very quick at taking our new position for granted, and then judging it as normal. As a result we don’t even notice the change anymore. Do you remember the last salary increase you got ? How long did it take for you to take it for granted and wanting something else ?
This doesn’t mean we should avoid money and material goods or that we can only have either wealth or happiness. It does, however, mean that we need to recognize happiness as the ultimate “currency” and start working on finding meaning and purpose in what we do. The value we gain in doing what we love will create money, and often even wealth, as a by-product.
CHOICE # 7: Keep learning and growing through action and allow yourself to fail !
Every child is born curious with an insatiable need for growth and learning. This is part of our nature as human beings. As young children we put into practice everything we learn, test it, fail and try again. In fact, we learn through action, through trying and playing.
As older children and adults we become concerned about failing, which stops us from trying and keeps us in the status quo. As we stay in our comfort zone over long periods of time, we begin to be bored with our life and start feeling stuck.
To become happy, we need to grow and there is no growth without action. Movement and growth are inseparable. It’s when you move out of your comfort zone that you grow. But what if you can’t decide between all the possible actions ? Toss a coin. It does not matter which action you take, you will learn from any action. To make this clear: ANY action is better then no action. But how do we get ourselves to act when we are so afraid of failure ?
To describe something as “failure” involves a judgement call. And a judgement requires a judge. Whose judgement are you accepting ? Who is your judge ? Often people find that they accept the judgement of their neighbours, their parents, their bosses without being conscious about it. Once they become conscious, they choose their own judge: the people they really care about or their own heart….
Let yourself be inspired by Alva Edison, the inventor. Edison had more than 900 failed experiments to invent the light bulb and upon being asked how he coped with so many failures he answered “Failure ? What failure ? I have learned 900 ways of how not to invent the light bulb”. It is all a matter of perspective (see choice #1). But something else is critical here: Edison focused on the learning in every “failure”. Every failure is just feedback about what works and doesn’t. It is a fantastic resource for deciding how to try differently next time. Choose to look at all your experiences (good or bad) as opportunities to learn something about yourself or the world around you and notice how much more you will enjoy your life.
CHOICE #8: Forgive
To create lasting happiness in your life, you need to let go of negative emotions about people. Holding on to negative emotions such as anger, envy or hurt creates more unhappiness for the holder of the emotions. Letting go of these emotions free us to move on with life. Again, easier said than done.
The first step is to realize that there is no value for yourself in holding on to your hurt. It is not moving you forwards but holding you back. The next step is to decide to let go of the matter. If you can’t simply let go choose to see the situation from the other person’s perspective to understand it better. Understanding helps forgiveness.
To do that, imagine you have a meeting with the person and silently tell him/her everything you need to say. Reproach, get angry, insult – whatever you feel needs to be said. Then pause. Take the other persons position – physically move to the spot you just talked to. Stand or sit like the other person would and really feel into him/her. Then have this person explain why he did what he did. Then go back to your own spot and receive the message. Play this role play a few times, then notice how your feelings to the subject have changed. You are now ready to forgive and pave your way to happiness.
CHOICE #9: Foster friendship and connections – help others
Researchers who studied people’s level of interest in and attention to strangers found that people who were sad spent 35 percent more time focusing on strangers who looked unhappy than on strangers who looked happy. So surround yourself with 5 happiest people you know. Send them an invitation today ! Happiness is contagious
Ed Diener and Martin Seligman, two of the leading positive psychologists, studied “very happy people” and found that one of the key differences between happy and unhappy people was the presence of “rich and satisfying social relationships”.
Spending time with people we care about and who care about us provides meaning, safety and comfort. We want to be loved for who we really are, for our authentic self. Often people complain that they can’t find the people who love them unconditionally and truly care about them and that everybody is so self-absorbed. Don’t wait to be loved. Love. Choose to be different and start showing others how you care about them by doing something nice for them today. Expect nothing in return. Just keep doing it. You will see how the benefits will come back to you and you will have plenty of people who care for you.
CHOICE #10: Take responsibility for everything that happens to you.
It is so easy to blame outside factors or others for things that are not going well. It doesn’t make us happy though. Blaming takes our power away. By blaming others we are giving ourselves the “victim” status and get stuck because we are waiting for the other person to change or act. Being a victim and being stuck is not a position that makes us happy.
To claim your power, take responsibility for everything that happens. If people who work for you make mistakes, think about how you could have helped prevent that mistake. If your partner doesn’t come home in time, think about what you could do to make him/her want to come home earlier tomorrow. If your children are stressing you out, think about what you could do to make family life more fun. Be pro-active ! Take responsibility. It is much more fun than being stuck.
And don’t confuse taking responsibility with blaming yourself for everything. They are two different things: one lifts you up the other deflates you. So check in with your feelings. Taking responsibility makes you feel great !
Finally, I want to mention the more commonly known factors for more happiness: exercise moderately and regularly and ensure that you get between 6-8 hours of sleep. But the most powerful tip of them all: CHOOSE to be happy – now you know how to do it. And if you don’t, remember that that’s your choice, too !
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April 22nd, 2008 at 9:36 pm
[...] 5-10 to follow in “10 Choices for Lasting Happiness - Part 2″ [...]
June 7th, 2008 at 11:54 pm
Well it is an age old question the one of happiness. And mosty what you have included here would be found to be true, at least in my eyes. In my eyes, for my life’s path I have experienced a journey full of highs and lows and still find myself asking the same questions. Living in my western world, a world as we all live in where people need to be housed, eat and sleep there is a great concern about money, yes the western world and money. But given that, we still need housing (check out http://www.realeste.com.au), the children need feeding, clothing, educuating and entertaining and with the ever increasing costs of living one would be almost forgven to give up. Look at me for instance at mortage of $800 per week plus AUD (more than an average wage earner makes). There is food and so on and it really leaves me with a limited amount of financial resolution options. Work harder to stay on top of the bills thus sacrificing time with family, time for yourself ect or of course the other option is to simplify life. Simplifying life has a few options which could include…
Follow my Dreams..I am also a singer and that is where my heart is but given that I had already sacrificed 15 years and part of my early childrens upbringing to try and manifest without avail it did’nt seem like a viable option unless the kids were prepared to have no mum for while and no food to eat and walk around in rags and get teased and thus have issues as adults that no doctor could fix.
Take a simpler job with less hours and less stress…
Yes had that too but we all went without and were miserable trying to save for a shopping trip for some respectable clothing that people wouldnt stare at us in or snigger and we walked past in.
Quit work altogether and live with relatives till I found myself…
The kids really hate this idea and I am sure you can imagine why.
Solution???
I am still waiting…
BUT I HAVE FAITH…
Everything happens for a reason and I am not sitting around waiting I am still trying to work on myself, work on a balanced life.. and work work work!!!
My last question in when it is all over and I am gone and i didnt get that beautiful time that we all deserve to have, what then?
At least the kids won’t bag me i guess!!