10 Choices for Lasting Happiness - Part 1
You might be surprised to read the word “Choice” in the title and no, it is not a mistake. You actually have a choice and in how happy you want to be ! According to some studies about happiness, our level of happiness is composed of three different elements:
• 50 % depends on genetics (inherited affective traits, temperament)
• 10% depends on circumstance (occupation, age, health, income, marital status etc)
• 40% depends on intentional activities (cognitive, behavioural or volitional activities we choose to do)
We obviously can’t change our genetics but we have control over both the circumstances as well as our intentional activities. Surprisingly, most people spent most of their efforts on changing circumstances to increase their happiness. They try to earn more money, find the right partner, move to new places or jobs. And while these changes can have am impact on short-term happiness, they often don’t last long and never feel enough. How many people do you know who are still truly happy months after they changed their circumstances ? In fact, studies on lottery winners have proven, that happiness levels return to previous levels as fast as 3 months after the win, some studies even show a negative long-term effect.
The 40 % of contribution which intentional activities make have so far been neglected. Yet, it is in this area where we are in control and free to choose. It is here where we need to spend our energy. Paul Jenner, author of “Teach Yourself Happiness” says “You have to decide to be happy” and he continues “Most Westerners think happiness is something that arrives by itself, like rain. But it isn’t. Barring seriously depressed people, most Westerners have plenty to be happy about, but they choose to focus on things they haven’t got. It really is that simple.”
Well, sounds simple, but isn’t. It requires commitment and work and sometimes un-learning of some good old habits (and who said that that was easy ?). You can really compare it with training a muscle you have so far neglected. It will feel hard at the beginning but you can count on the muscle getting stronger and stronger. So the question really boils down to how much effort are you willing to spend on becoming happy or how badly to you want happiness ? This article shares with you the top 10 choices you can make to create lasting happiness in your life. These are the ingredients for happiness, only you can bake the cake.
Choice # 1. Create a buffer between event/circumstance and your reaction to it.
Most people believe that our happiness depends on what happens to us or around us and feel powerless in the face of it. While we can influence some events and circumstances by being pro-active, there are others which are simply out of our control. Do we need to be victims to those ? While we can expect life to continue to throw events at us which we have no control over (good and bad), we do not need to be victims. Different to common opinion, it is not the event or circumstance that determines our feelings, it is our attitude, perspective and interpretation of it that determines our feelings. And we are free to choose how we see (perspective) or interpret an event. Let me tell you a short story:
An old man lived with his one son in a village when he inherited a large fortune from a distant relative and bought himself the most beautiful horse. The villagers all said “You are so lucky !” to which he answered “Maybe”. Shortly after the man’s only son took a ride and fell off the horse breaking his leg, now unable to help in the household. The villagers said “You are so unlucky !” and the man replied “Maybe”. Two days later, a war broke out and all young men had to go to war except the old man’s son and the villager enviously said “You are so lucky !” to which the man replied “Maybe”…..
You can choose how to judge an event that is out of your control depending on the context you see it in. Psychologists and life coaches use this concept frequently and call it Re-framing. To come up with a powerful re-frame ask “What is good about this (bad thing) ?” or “In which way is this an advantage ?” Happy people are experts at re-frames!
And while we might not always be able to prevent negative feelings towards an event, we can lower the degree of outside influences. The way to do that is to decide NOT to react immediately, instead to pause and detach yourself for a while, then look at the situation from a larger perspective, find a re-frame, identify your options and choose consciously how you respond.
Choice #2. Be clear about your dream or contribution to your environment, then set achievable goals and get moving towards it.
Very few people can articulate what they really want from their life or what they dream about for themselves. They are driven and pushed by those around them, their circumstances such as their jobs, their boss, their mother-in-law to name just a few. Others have big dreams but are waiting for the opportunity to make them happen, they are putting their dreams off until….(fill in the blank)… the house is paid off, the kids are in college, they find the career or a partner they love, their current misery ends, the venture capitalists discover their genius, their boss finally understands how brilliant they are…etc etc. People are living their lives while holding their breath. How can you be happy without breathing ?
Knowing what really matters to you, what you truly love doing and what difference you want to make to your personal environment (“your dream”) has proven to be highly fulfilling. Realizing your values by moving working on your dream engages you on a meaningful level. People are seldom happier than when they are in “flow” says psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. This is a state in which your mind becomes thoroughly absorbed in a meaningful task that challenges your abilities. It is an activity that completely absorbs you, where you feel most yourself and time seems to stand still. Sounds like happiness to you ?
Harvard research has shown that happiness comes from “knowing what you really want and knowing that you are moving towards it”.
The key is to spend time to discover one’s purpose or dream and then break it down into achievable milestones which will become your goals, then start acting. Time is the only limited resource in the world. You cannot make time and worse still, you have no idea of how much you have left. So invest your time wisely. Start understanding your values and what makes you tick then take courageous action at making it happen. So many people get bored with their lives. Choose to make yours exciting. You only have one shot at it !
Choice #3.Think about happiness as a process
We believe happiness comes from achieving results. But time and time again we notice that after achieving results there is a feeling of emptiness and a rush to move to the next achievement. We do not even allow us time to celebrate properly. While we achieve lots we hardly notice it, enjoy little and ultimately burn out.
Happiness is not so much a result as it is a process ! It stems from enjoying what you do when you do it, which links into the previous point on spending time on what it is you love doing.
To start enjoying the process of whatever you do, consciously use your senses to notice what is going on around you: focus on seeing the faces around you, hearing the voices around you, notice the smells and the textures your hands are feeling. Detach yourself from the result, after all you can use choice # 1 to handle and re-frame any outcome. It is a bonus if you reach the result you set out to reach, but it matters less than the activity itself.
Choice #4. Be grateful for what you have rather than what you don’t have and what you do well rather than what you (still) can’t do.
When did you last say “thank you” for all the many things you have and said “well done” for all the many strengths and skills you acquired in the last years ? If you are like most people, it was probably a long time ago. Instead we focus on what we don’t have yet and where we still need to improve. As a result our self-esteem and confidence gets a knock and we start to believe that we are “not good enough”. I assure you feeling “not good enough” is not a happy feeling. But the good news is: Focusing on what we don’t have and where we are not good enough is nothing but a habit ! And like with any (bad) habit, we can change it. It takes about 3 weeks of consistent practice to change any habit. Ready to start ?
Choose to change your focus onto the things you are already grateful for and the capabilities, skills and traits you are already strong in. Make a list of things and traits you are grateful for today ! Let your thoughts wonder from yourself, the people around you, your environment, your job/career, your finances, your personal growth to your leisure. You feel better instantly. And if you are like most people, you will be surprised how many things you come up with. Don’t stop writing until you have filled an entire page. Then looking over it, how do you feel ?
Liz Hogard says “People divide into two categories: the maximizers and the satisfiers. The maximizer insists on looking at all the alternatives when out shopping before deciding what to buy. The satisfier, on the other hand, says: That’s good enough, that’ll do me. The maximizer is doomed to misery in the modern world, because there is so much choice.” Can you see how the maximizer always focuses on what he/she might still be missing, rather than being grateful for what he/she already has ?
So many people focus on the 20% they have not done, the extra they are not capable off without seeing the beautiful 80% they already hold in their hands.
Finally, pay attention to you language, do you point out to others (e.g. like your children) where they are not yet good enough, or where there already doing well ? For a whole week, just pay attention. And most importantly, how do you talk to yourself. I mean that voice in our heads that we all have. Don’t accept it pointing out what you don’t have in things, skills or character. Tell yourself what you already have and are already grateful for. It is just a change in what you put your attention on and the impact on your happiness will be astonishing !
Choices 5-10 to follow in “10 Choices for Lasting Happiness - Part 2″ !
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