Goal Setting for Success - the NLP Way
Goal setting is one of most powerful ways of getting what you want and yet, so many people shy away from it because it hasn’t worked for them in the past. Have you set goals in the past (for example New Year’s Resolutions) and then NOT reached them ? As a consequence, have you felt disappointed and lost trust in your ability to achieve your goals ? Some people get so frustrated, that they decide not to set any more goals and just live….this takes the pressure and disappointment away and feels better (after all: you can’t blame yourself for not achieving your goal, if you haven’t got one in the first place). However, this also leaves you drifting away and giving your power to your environment and the people around you.
This article is about putting you back in the driver’s seat and helping you find the courage to set goals SUCH that you are garantueed to achieve them. Following the below Questions to Achievable Outcomes or goals (drawn from NLP - Neuro Linguistic Programming) will be a sure way to state your goals such that you can achieve them easily. As a result, you will feel good about yourself, your self esteem will raise. No more disappointements.
Believe it or not, your ability to achieve a goal depends more on the way you state your goal then on the content of your goal ! Yes ! Read this again. The power lies in the way you set your goals. So here is the process for Goal Setting for Success:
1. What is your goal, aim or objective ?
Write down whatever it is you want or desire. For now, this will look pretty much like the previous goals you may have set in the past.
2. What specifically do you want (rather than what you don’t want !) ?
State your goal in the positive ! “I want to have a size 10″ rather than “I want to stop eating chocolate”. This is absolutely critical ! Our brain cannot process the negation, with a goal stated in the negative you essentially focus your attention on more of the negative.
Now think about how you can make your statement more specific. Rather than “I want to make more or a lot of money” specify exactly what you want, e.g. “I want to earn x000 per month after tax by day xy”. Don’t forget to think about the when: by when would you like to achieve it ?
Make sure your goal is achievable in principal by you. “Becoming a CEO is achievable in principal - even if you are at the bottom of the hierarchy”, “Flying through the air like a bird” is NOT achievable.
Don’t get afraid about being specific ! Many people like to keep their goals vague in order to keep some room for interpretation when it comes to judgement day. Trust me, keeping your goal vague is worse than not having one at all.
3. Where are you now in relation to the outcome ?
Think about your goal achievement like a journey. What is your departure point ? What is it like there ?
4. Imagine the Outcome: what will you see, hear, feel etc. when you have achieved your goal ?
Close your eyes and paint a picture in your mind about what it will be like when you have achieved your goal. What will you see ? Who will you see around you ? Where are you ? What do you see in these people’s faces ? What do you hear ? What is being said ? What smells do you notice ? Any tastes that matter when you have achieved your goal ? How do you feel inside ? What do you feel around you (on your face, body etc) ?
Once you have a full picture with all your senses, imagine it was a picture or movie on television. Play around with its brightness, its colours, the size of the picture/movie, the volume to make it as inspiring and exciting as possible. Make a mental note of this picture/movie. You could also draw a picture or make a collage of it. Other people prefer to write down everything they saw in their mental image.
5. Evidence: How will you know when you have achieved your goal/outcome ?
Think about what signals or signs would tell you that you have actually achieved your outcome. What would be evidence or proof ? You really want to come up with something that is clearly there or not there at the specified time.
6. Congruence: What will this goal get for you or allow you to do ?
Have a think about what makes your goal important for you. What is it exactly, that you get out of achieving your goal ? And what is important about that ? Is that worth it ? If your answer to the last question is yes, you have a congruent goal.
7. Is this goal something that benefits YOU ?
You should set goals that benefit you in some meaningful way (even if your goal is to improve your husband’s work life, or your children’s social life - there has to be something SIGNIFICANT in it for you, otherwise you won’t achieve it). What is the significant, meaningful benefit you get ?
8. What resources do you need and which resources do you have already ?
Think about what resources you will need to achieve your outcome. Just make a list. Then think about which one’s you already have. Have you ever had or done this before ? Do you know anyone who has ? Can you act as if you’ve already achieved this ?
9. Ecological goal: What will gain and what will you lose if you achieve your goal ?
Here you want to look at the impact of your goal achievement on your others around you and the community or even the planet as a whole. How does it affect your partner, your family, your community, your country etc ? If it has a positive impact you are more likely to achieve it.
Finally ask yourself the following questions (the last one requires a bit of brain twisting but it works :-):
- What will happen when I get it ?
- What won’t happen when I get it ?
- What will happen if I don’t get it ?
- What won’t happen if I don’t get it ?
10. Now act “as if” it is a done deal that you will achieve your goal (you have already painted the picture of what that will look and feel like). You have seen it in your mind, you will go there with your body !
Don’t get put off by the work of going through these 10 steps. They will save you loads of work and negative emotions later. Spending time on those 10 steps will be an investment you won’t regret.
This process has worked for many people before (including myself and my numerous clients), so why would you NOT choose to re-apply what they learned and use the process for your own “Goal Setting for Success” ?
Setting goals will become fun ! Enjoy achieving your goals !!!
Courageously do it when it couldn’t be done
I came across this inspiring poem today and wanted to share it with you:
It Couldn’t be Done
Somebody said “it couldn’t be done,”
But he with a chuckle replied
That maybe it couldn’t, but he wouldn’t be one
Who wouldn’t say so ‘til he tried.
So he buckled right in with a bit of a grin on his face.
If he worried he hid it.
He started to sing as he tackled that thing that
Couldn’t be done and he did it.
Somebody scoffed. “Oh, you’ll never do that,
At least no one has ever done it.”
But he took off his coat and he took off his hat,
And the first thing we knew he’d begun it.
With a lift of his chin and a bit of grin,
Without any doubting or quiddit,
He started to sing as he tackled that thing
That couldn’t be done, and he did it.
There are thousands to tell you, it cannot be done.
There are thousands to prophecy failure.
There are thousands to point out to you one by one,
The dangers that wait to assail you.
But you buckle right in with a bit of a grin;
You take off your coat and go t it.
You start to sing as you tackle that thing
That “cannot be done,” and you’ll do it!
- Edgar Guest -
What thing will YOU tackle right now !??
Negative Emotions: Don’t let them get to you !
I want to share a simple technique with you on how to deal with some emotions you rather wish you did not have. The technique is called “witness”.
Instead of feeling the full impact of your emotions, become your own witness for one day and observe your actions as if you stood next to your real self watching what’s going on. Imagine you could see yourself as you have breakfast, walk out of the house, get in the car, drive to …whereever. “Move” your consciousness up by one level and just notice what you see, including the emotions you see this person (you !) having. If you get angry, let the witness in you notice this anger.
By removing yourself from the direct impact and choosing to experience your emotions from the perspective of the witness you gain 3 big advantages:
Not only will you see the situation with a wider angle, seeing a bigger picture…you will also notice that those strong emotions simply won’t feel anywhere near as strong as they used to and most importantly: you will gain some vital seconds before you react, some vital seconds to CHOOSE ! how you react. This gives you power and puts you in the driver’s seat.
NLP has known this technique for decades and calls it dissociation (if your life was a picture, you would see yourself in it) as opposed to association (seeing your life out of your own eyes). Feelings are being experienced more strongly when associated and less strongly when dissociated. As a result, NLP recommends dissociation for negative emotions and of course association for positive emotions (you don’t want to just be a witness when you have the best time of your life 
! )
Try being a witness today ! What is different and how does it make things better for you ?
Being pro-active pays-off or “Who moved my cheese ?”
If you have read the book “Who moved my cheese ?”, you know it is all about dealing with change in life. Change can be a blessing or a curse depending on your perspective and on whether you are in control of what’s changing or whether you are a victim of change. Often people are scared by change, particularly if it hits us by surprise and if the outcome or end result is unknown. Yet, here are the truths about change:
1. Change is going to happen
2. You can choose to try to fight it or adapt - or even better: be pro-active and create the change YOUR way !
3. Although you can’t stop things from changing, you can control how you respond/react to them
4. Everyone reacts to change differently5. Often when a door closes, a new, “better” one opens - but you need to choose to see it !
Yesterday, I experienced a real life example of these principles. Listen to this:
I could not believe what I saw in the letter, but indeed, our landlord was telling us with 6 month’s notice that he was not going to renew the tenancy agreement for our villa beyond December. He was going to demolish our entire compound of 10 villas built only 4 years ago ! If you know Dubai, you know that it has become common practise to “re-develop” plots to increase the profits. It is also a way to kick-out tenants with the view to charge new tenants a multiple of the previously charged rent (rent increases to existing tenants are limited to 7% p.a.).
When we rented the villa 4 years ago, the rent was at the top end of the market, but with rents rising 30% p.a., I knew that villas like ours where now being let at double the price we were paying. Finding an affordable villa that was still near my daughter’s school (traffic in Dubai is terrible) could have become a nightmare for us … but instead, after the initial surprise about the notice, I just couldn’t help but smile….
We had spend the past 6 months trying to work out how we really wanted life to be for us, where we really wanted to live ourselves, where we would be able to do the things that deep inside us mattered most to us and had meaning and ….where we really wanted our daughter to grow up. And the result was, that we took the decision to move, move away from the stress, the city life and lack of nature in Dubai ! Yes, we had decided months ago to not only move locations but also scale down and simplify our life so that we could do more of the things that mattered to us, be the type of wife/husband, mother/father, friend/colleague etc we really wanted to be and create those events and experiences that we would be proud of in old age.
Yes, we were going to leave anyway !
I felt so relieved, and so happy. The little voices in our heads had surely tried to convince us to keep things as they were “Why bother changing ? It is so much work. Just stay and enjoy life. You have it good, don’t be ungrateful for what you have…” The little voices were trying to convince us to just stay one more year, earn some more money, just keep going one more year. But we had finally chosen not to listen to them and go anyway. We committed ourselves to a new place in beautiful nature, where we would be able to spend more time with each other and live on a lower budget. And it felt so right.
I was so glad that we had not waited for things around us to change, holding on to the hope that what we liked about Dubai would stay the same… I suddenly felt (rather than just knew) what it meant to be in control of your life …rather than being controlled by life’s events. We had created our own change, the change we really wanted, the change that was surely hard work, too, but had a clear direction for us and hence felt wonderful !
And the best of it all….I know how to repeat this !
If you spend the time to figure out what really matters to you, clarify your values and those of the loved one’s around you, you have a guiding light for your path ahead. You can initiate the change that is needed to make you live more aligned with what matters to you, to have more integrity. This is a choice and you have to be pro-active. But as a result, you will change your life - rather than your life changing you.
Combine Ideas for New Solutions
“The time has come,” the walrus said, “to talk of many things: of shoes - and ships - and sealing wax - of cabbages - and kings.” Combining unusual ideas is at the heart of creative thinking. The ancients mixed soft copper and even softer tin to create hard bronze. Gutenberg combined the wine press and the coin punch to create a movable type and the printing press.
Think of your most important project right now: What different and unusual ideas can you combine to find some creative solutions and ways forward ?
Are you your own biggest obstacle to positive CHANGE ?
Just came across this great tale again. It is about being in charge about change and I had to share it with you:
“Two men were working together on a building site. When lunchtime came, they sat down at the side of the road, and opened their respective lunchboxes. The first man, on looking into the box, rubbed his hands together gleefully and said, ‘Great! I’m starved. Chicken, cheese and tuna sandwiches, crisps, a nice piece of fruit…’
The second man looked at the contents of his box and sighed heavily. “Oh no, not ham again ! I can’t believe it. That’s the third time this week I’ve had ham sandwiches. I ‘m getting sick and tired of seeing ham.’
‘Come on, cheer up,’ soothed his mate. ‘Look, if you’re so sick of ham sandwiches, why don’t you just ask your wife to use something else ?’
His mate looked puzzled. ‘What are you talking about ?’ he said. ‘I don’t have a wife; I make my own sandwiches.’”
Have you caught yourself complaining about your situation ? Are you dreaming about better times but feel it is unattainable ? Stop right there. Let’s play. What if the only obstacle in the way to your dreams and your happiness were YOU ? Really, don’t say no no no. Consider this for a moment. Pretend it ! Just for the fun of it.
Who is in charge of your life ? Who would you like to be in charge ? What would it take ? What is the worst case that could happen ? Imagine it…. What would you gain and what would you lose ? Looking back from 20 years into the future, what would you want to see ?
If you want things to change, be bold ! Change them, don’t let them change YOU !
Meaning is the New Currency !
I have met a lot of people and the most exciting one’s have all had one thing in common: there were spending energy on finding meaning for their lives. Recently I stumbled upon an article which said it out loud and clear:
The time where wealth was measured in the currency of money is over ! The new currency for measuring “wealth” is called MEANING.
This line struck a cord with me and put into one sentence what I have sensed after coaching around 100 clients in the past years.
“Money simply doesn’t hold as much currency as leading a meaningful life. As a part of a worldwide trend towards a search for more meaningful lives, people are looking for more fun, family and friendship and less money and “things”. Where money was once the currency of a successful life, wealth is increasingly being measured in connection with sustainability and happiness.” says Judy Chapman, the author of the article.
Research all over the world supports this and Judy quotes an Australian study which shows that health, community and friends contribute more to people’s happiness than money or their financial situation.
From my own quantitative research in Dubai I know that Dubai lags a little bit behind this global trend: the majority of people still believe that more money will create more happiness for them (I guess that’s what many people come to Dubai for in the first place). The number of people searching for meaning, however, is ever increasing, also in Dubai.
So where does this shift from a money-centric society to a one that emphasizes meaning and happiness come from ?
Seemingly people are yearning for slowing down and creating more time for themselves. People want quality instead of quantity and significance instead of mere success. And they want to spend their money on enriching experiences that will make a difference and that gives their life meaning.
According to Dr. Clive Hamilton, one of the authors of “Affluenza – When Too Much is Never Enough” there is a rising trend in “downshifters”: people who make a conscious decision to accept a lower income and a lower level of consumption to pursue other life goals, such as more balance, more personal fulfillment and time with their families.
When asked about the change “downshifting” had on their lives, “downshifters” talked about improved health, more time with family and friends, more personal freedom and joy of living and many new opportunities they previously did not think existed. These changes are very similar to those my clients report when following their own meaningful path based on what uniquely matters to them (their values).
Judy Chapman’s article ends with a beautiful paragraph:
“As the 21st century unfolds, the question facing countries around the world is not how they can become more economically prosperous. Rather, it is about how we can build vibrant societies in which meaning and connection are not casualties but cornerstones. Make yourself part of that process!”
I share the longing for community, meaning and connection and that’s what brought to life the Develop & Grow Community, our group of exceptional people dedicated to supporting each other in growing into their full potential and their most aspirational selfs. Money is not on top of our list of values. Connection to others, giving back and making a difference is. That’s what meaning is for me.
What makes you smile ?
How can a simple little question like “what makes you smile?” have so much power ? As soon as you ask anyone this question, they start smiling immediately. Then, their thoughts drift off to all those lovely memories…
Whenever life gets too serious, or rather, whenever we take life too seriously, suffering under the heaviness of it all, we should take a moment to remember the things that make us smile. Try doing this right now. What makes you smile ?
Isn’t it astonishing what surprisingly simple things show up on such a list ? Having a little bit more of those in our lives, really doesn’t cost much, certainly not money, maybe effort, time, will … What stops you from seeking more of those “smiling” moments ? If you created more of them in your life, what would you have to say “no” to ? Would that be worth it ?
My daughter wrote me and my husband a whole bunch of letters yesterday to cheer up our day. She played “postman” and delivered a whole stack. One of the items was a postcard and apart from her lovely message it had 5 Handy Tips for Life. I have no idea where she got them from but my husband and I had to laugh so hard, it made me realize how precious those moments full of smiles and laughter are. So, I wanted to share those funny tips with you and hope to bring a smile on your face. Here they are:
HANDY TIPS FOR LIFE
1. Finance Tip:
Save on gasoline by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you’ve broken down and help.
2. Houshold Tip:
Old Telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.
3. Personal Hygiene:
Not time for a bath ? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
4. Safety Tip:
Never attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving supermarket door.
5. Inexpensive Entertainment:
At work, put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Live is too short to take it serious.
Is it courageous to do what you love ?
I have recently stumbled upon the question of whether it is courageous to change your life, live your dream and do what you love doing. Or whether it is actually even more courageous to stay in a life that works but feels unexciting and doesn’t fulfill you.
My considerations were triggered by a friend of mine who has quit her full-time corporate career (with her husband following within the next weeks) and who is about to realize her dream life by moving to a different/new country and setting up their own business in what could be described “the middle of nowhere” or “the countryside” (please note that what a dream life is to YOU will be different by definition ! and replace her version in your mind with what a “dream life” would be for YOU).
My friend told me that people around her where passing comments such as “you are so courageous” to do what you are about to do. She could not understand at all why people would see her plans as “courageous” and explained to me that in her mind there was nothing courageous about doing what you love, and that, in fact, it was the easiest she could think of doing, because doing what you love is so effortless.
Her words triggered some deep contemplation on my part and for the first time I wondered whether it might indeed be more courageous or at least more risky to stay in a life that is not the way you want it. Usually people point out the all the (financial, emotional…) risks of leaving the “mainstream way of life”. But what if the risks and costs of staying in a mediocre life are even bigger ? And what are those risks and costs ? …the lack of excitement, …the lack of aliveness, …the lack of adventure ? I think the biggest risk is probably not to have fulfilled one’s potential, not to have even tried. To come to the end of one’ life and to find that one had not even tried might be the biggest pain of all.
Robin Sharma captures this beautifully in his quote:
“What fills our hearts with regret are not all the risks we took. Instead, what causes us to feel immense sadness is thinking about all the risks we didn’t take, all the opportunities we did not seize, all the things we did not do. Life is short and the years will slip away very quickly, like grains of sand passing through your fingers on a hot day on the beach. You were meant to shine and let your talents see the light of day. There is but one failure in life and that is the failure to try.”
So, I have found deep admiration for my friend’s perspective and I deeply wish that my own daughter will grow up with the same attitude that it is more courageous, and that there is more to lose by staying in a mediocre life than by realizing your dream and doing what you love. She will have all my support when she comes round to it.
If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being,
then I warn you that you’ll be unhappy for the rest of your life.~ Abraham H Maslow (1908-1970) - Psychologist & Author ~
Related Article: How to be courageous ?
Success is not measured in millions nor in kilograms…
A few months ago I have written about a similar topic “What is Success for You ?” and today I have to do so again.
Last night, my friend called me from a business trip and told me visibly shocked that he had been to the gym of the hotel he was staying in and weighed himself on the scales they had in the changing room. What he saw on the scales had kept him stressed and tense all evening: the scales had shown 208 pounds. He told me that he had no clue that he would be weighing that much and that he needed to seriously change his eating habits and double his exercise times. He finally asked me “Do I look fat ?”
I told him “not at all”. In fact, I had thought lately, that he looked very fit and muscular. Then I asked him the key question “What matters about how much you weigh ?”. He took a long time to think. Then I asked him “You look great. So, who cares how much you weigh ?” “Why do you choose to use weight as the measurement for how you look ?” He was baffled. And then I could hear the relief in his voice. “You are right”, he said. “Amazing, you kind off automatically think you need to care about weight, when really, how I look is what I care about.”
Needless to say, he chose a different measure from last night onwards and felt sooo much better for it.
Where are you accepting to measure your progress, your success or your looks by the “standard” way of doing it ? Would there be a more accurate way of measuring what really matters to YOU ?
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